The Preschool Place and Kindergarten

Math at Home

2012-02-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

There are so many ways that math can be included in day to day life. Teachable moments are all around us. Counting fingers and toes is a simple way to get to twenty. Add more people and the numbers increase. It's easy to go from there to counting by fives or tens. Find parts of the body that come in pairs. Math is all around us! What math activities do you do with your children?

MATH AT HOME

We hear a lot these daysabout preparing children for literacy before they go to school.

Parents understand theimportance of reading to their children from an early age, getting them excitedabout the world of books.

You can hardly find apreschool aged child who can't say the alphabet, recognize some key letters("That says Stop!"), or attempt to print their names.

Equally important to academicsuccess, however, is laying the foundations for understanding math, but this isan area often overlooked.

Now, lest you be tempted todash out and get some flashcards or purchase a cute math computer game, let mesuggest that your daily life with kids offers more than enough math experiencesto get them well started.

Indeed, higher math conceptsare embedded in simple interactions. Real life experiences make math conceptscome alive in ways that flash cards never could.

Even youngest toddlers arecasually exposed to the idea of number when you give them two crackers--one foreach hand, something every toddler loves—-and count them as you do.

Even sharing becomes easierwhen you give the child a number of objects and ask her to give half of them toher brother.

Older preschoolers learn tocount the number of forks and napkins needed when they set the table; an addedbonus is discovering the concept of one-to-one correspondence when they learnto match place settings to chairs.

Counting objects helpschildren get through errands in the car-—"Let's see how many stoplights onthe way to the doctor's office" or "Why don't you count the red carswe pass, and I'll count the blue ones."

Using math talk as part ofregular conversation helps children understand concepts of comparison. "Doyou need more Cheerios? Here I'll make two piles. Which one is bigger, andwhich is smaller? Can you make the piles the same?" And so on.

The family heightrecords—-ours are on the sun porch doorway—-help children absorb ideas aboutsize, measurement, and comparison, leading to addition and subtraction as wetry to interpret how much each child grew this year.

Calendars are perfect propsfor math ideas. First, they have lots of numbers, so kids can get familiar withthe sequence and appearance of numbers.

Then, they have the capacityto introduce simple subtraction. "How many days left until we go toGrandma's? Yesterday it was six. Let's count and see how many today."

When my children were small,we used to decorate our table with paper chains, with one link to count eachday until an anticipated event, like a birthday. We made a ceremony of removinga link each day, and math was being absorbed as well.

Cooking is a complexactivity, involving both literacy and math skills. Measuring ingredients helpspractice counting again, as well as introduces new math terms, such a half acup, and one-quarter teaspoon.

Before the cooking begins,trips to the grocery store allow more rehearsal of math skills: "Pleasechoose four oranges for us, and then we will have to get one gallon of milk.The gallon is the biggest container. Which container looks like the biggestone?" Estimating is another important foundational skill.

One last household activitythat forms a basis for later math understanding is sorting things—-socks as wefold laundry, similar toys to put away, like shapes to fit inside each other inthe pot cupboard, and so on.

You may benefit bywonderfully tidy desk drawers when you ask your youngster to separate all thepaper clips, rubber bands, pencils, and markers into separate containers.Classification is a basic math understanding.

Math at home gives your childimportant foundational knowledge, while involving him/her in your dailyroutines.

How To Unlock Your Child's Academic Potential

2012-02-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

Here are 8 ideas to help you to help your child. Some of these suggestions like reading and talking with your child are easy to accomplish every day while others will take some practice. We can always learn to improve ourselves as people and as parents. Keep your expectations realistic. If at first you don't succeed try, try again.

How toUnlock Your Child’s Academic Potential

Successoften depends on how well-prepared children are for elementary school. Here'show to get your kid kindergarten ready

By JON SCHNUR | January17, 2012 |

Last month, the White House announcedthe winners of a hotly contested competition among states for early childhoodRace to the Top funding. Proposals from governors — 17 Republicans and 18Democrats — totaled more than four times the available funding and underscoredthe fact that long-term academic success depends in a large part on howwell-prepared young children are for elementary school. Of course, with budgetconstraints, all of America is looking for cost-effective ways to invest inAmerica’s future. As parents begin making plans for their preschoolers for thecoming year, they can use clear tips from new research to help get kids readyto learn when they walk through the doors on the first day of kindergarten.

A child’s I.Q., intellectualability and social and emotional skills are like muscles — they develop oratrophy based on how well adults help children apply effort through specificactions starting from a young age. A seven-year studyin Silicon Valley showed that children demonstrating academic readiness and theability to self-regulate — especially paying attention during activities andfollowing multi-step directions — by kindergarten were three times as likely tomeet reading level standards by third grade. This list of practical tips canhelp prepare kids academically and socially:

1) Read, read, read with eachchild — at least 20 minutes daily. Make it fun and engaging.Use reading as a basis for conversation with your child. Keep books in eyesightin baskets, on shelves and coffee tables. Placing books within reach for kids —and kids seeing parents read books of their own — stimulates reading activity.Parents who don’t read well in English can be effective by reading in theirnative language or showing a book while making up stories. An Organization forEconomic Cooperation and Development study,published in November 2011, shows that kids whose parents read with themregularly at a young age performed as much as a year ahead of their peersacademically by age 15. If money is too tight to buy lots of books, take themout of the library.

2) Talk, talk, talk with yourchild — everywhere you go together. Prolong rather than abbreviateconversations. The average conversation length between parent and child correlatesclosely to the child’s future I.Q. and reading levels. Longerconversations help the parent and child do what researchers call the languagedance — where parents ask open-ended questions, provide their own perspectivesand use exchanges about basics as springboards into imaginative conversation.

(MORE: Schnur: Can WeTeach Kids to Be Good Citizens?)

3) Give at least three positiveexpectations or tips for each time you correct your child. Instead of alwayscorrecting your kids (“Stop that, don’t leave before clearing your plate,”)help them understand your expectations (“Once we finish eating, we’ll all clearthe table to make room for playing here.”) When the child follows through, givespecific positive praise for their efforts (“Thank you for waiting with usuntil everyone is ready to clear the table.”) As they learn academically, citespecific efforts (“You focused so well on practicing and learning to count!”)rather than attribute learning or failure to innate ability or personality.

4) Help children developcharacter and learn social and emotional skills. This includes patientlyhelping children learn to self-regulate through turn-taking games, two- andthree-step directions and age-appropriate basic chores. While it takes manyyears to develop, self-control has double the impact of I.Q. on futureeducational success. And listen to a child one-on-one, while repeating thechild’s sounds or words. As they grow, ask them to tell you something abouttheir day. Build understanding of others’ perspectives by asking children whatthey think others are feeling.

5) Devote space and daily timein your home for kids’ imaginative and pretend play with your kids’ art up onwalls. For children, play — with their family, with other children and bythemselves — is fun. Play helps kids learn to interact with others and practicewhat they learn. Building blocks of character, positive relationships, languageand academics are learned through play.

(MORE: DeBenedet andCohen: Are Helicopter Parents Here to Stay?)

6) Find a high-quality pre-schoolfor your child. Visit programs and ask about their goals for addressingacademic, social and emotional needs. You can search for accredited programsthrough the National Association for theEducation of Young Children and learn how to analyze aprogram’s fit for your child with the help of a book like Choosing theRight Preschool by Bryan and Emily Hassel. Send them topre-school ready to learn with 10 to 12 hours of sleep and a good breakfast.

7) Limit how much your kidswatch television — or any other screen. A studyfrom the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine shows that over one hourdaily of television negatively impacts future academic performance and impairsa child’s ability to pay attention.

8) Put mobile devices away formost of your time with kids. Talking or tapping on your phone can limitimportant parent/child conversation and can send a message that you don’t valuetime with your children.

I know, I know, all easier saidthan done. As a parent, I can assure you that many days go by when I don’t getthese right. But these tips will work best if we don’t make the perfect theenemy of the good. Even if you have a bad week, keep at it. Kids are resilientand they love learning. They can catch up for lost time. Making progress willbrighten your child’s future.

Schnur is executive chairmanand co-founder of America Achieves. The views expressed are solely his own.

The 6 Moms Who Make the Playdates Unbearable (For the Other Mom)

2012-01-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

Play dates are a wonderful opportunity for children to create bonds and learn the give and take of play. It also provides time for moms to talk together and create their own bonds and support system. There's nothing like speaking with another mom who is dealing with the same things. Have you ever experienced a play date with a mom who fits into one of the categories described below? Do you fit into one of the categories?

The 6 Moms Who Make Playdates Unbearable (For the Other Mom)

Posted by Jeanne Sager

on January 7, 2012 at 9:41 AM

Up until your kids reach a certain age, there's a sort of unspoken rule about playdates. They are all mommy and me. As in at least two moms and two kids hanging out just so your kid can get in their social life. Which is all well and good if you have a bunch of mom friends in your 'hood who you love. But then there are those moms, the ones who make accepting a mommy and me playdate with a new family seem like a bigger risk than letting your 6-year-old pick your outfit for the day.

Yes, it's true. I have turned down playdates because I hate the moms more than the kids. But if you saw the list of ladies I'm talking about, here's betting you'd say no too:

1. The One Who Riles Up the Kids: She walks in, spies the kids, and makes a beeline for them. After first whipping a roll of Smarties out of her pocket and passing them around, she then proceeds to get them all worked into a frenzy before finally coming to settle by you. Yeah, thanks a lot. I really needed my dog to spend the rest of the week peeing behind the couch out of utter fear that those two wild 6-year-olds might still be in the living room.

2. The Kids Should Be Seen And Not Heard Mom: Almost as bad as the "makes 'em nuts" mom is the one who brings her kid over, and then throws a hissy when my kid dares come to check in with me because her time with me is being lost. Sorry lady, but unless you come out of my lady parts, you're never going to rate above my kid.

3. The Bragger: It is perfectly acceptable to mention in passing that your smarty pants was nominated to the gifted and talented program. When kids do great things, no one is going to appreciate it quite like another mom. But there's a difference between sharing and rubbing one's nose in it. Not sure where the line is? If your 5-year-old is whipping up his own Hollandaise sauce and bringing you breakfast in bed on a tray with a flower in a jelly jar, please refrain from sharing or you won't be getting an invite back. If I needed someone to make me feel like my life sucks, I'd open a fashion magazine.

4. The Smoker: Sorry, I don't care if you only do it outside. You're not bringing that stank around me or my kid.

5. The Judgearoo: It starts with a running commentary on the toys my daughter brings out of her playroom for her buds to play with. "We would never buy Precious something pink and plastic, we prefer all, natural, wooden dolls that require imagination," she says. Then we settle the kids around mydining room table for lunch, and she proceeds to critique each item procured from my kitchen for the kids to eat. "Cheddar bunnies, really? You know they're still junk even if they're organic," she says.

And finally, the mom who really kills a playdate plan like no one else:

6. The Weirdo: Pretty broad category, I know, and as someone who wholeheartedly embraces her lack of "normalcy," I almost feel bad saying it. But sometimes there are people you just can't bring yourself to hang out with. They're so unlike you that it's painful. Maybe they're really low class, and you shudder to see them around your kids. Maybe they're racist and mean. Or maybe they are just so different from you that you cannot even hold a conversation for 5 seconds.

Since pushing a person out of me, I've learned the universe loves to throw two women together because they have kids . . . as if that's enough. But having a kid didn't change me that much. There are are still some people who just aren't my cup of tea!

How about you? Are there moms who you have found are just impossible to hang out with, no matter how much your kids get along?

2011-12-19T09:36:00.000-08:00

"The longer we retain the authoritarian role of sole boss--demanding
unquestioning and unswerving compliance and obedience--the less likely that
they will develop the knowledge and skills to self-regulate their own
actions."

Raising independent children is a challenge.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Recently I heard the neighbor's young child turn and say defiantly to her
mother: "You're not the boss of me!"

I hid a smile as I thought back to the many occasions I have heard that same
phrase from countless preschoolers--often four-year-olds--who chafe under
the restrictions of adults.

How to respond to such words? Certainly not with an equal measure of adult
boldness, since that could bring about nothing but a full-scale escalation
of resistance. After all, the very words are triggered by the child's sense
of being powerless against the adult, and call for an authoritative, not
authoritarian, response.

Actually, what is called for is adult recognition of the fact that we really
cannot be the bosses of them, if we have the long-term goal of our children
becoming truly able to control their own lives.

The longer we retain the authoritarian role of sole boss--demanding
unquestioning and unswerving compliance and obedience--the less likely that
they will develop the knowledge and skills to self-regulate their own
actions.

Controlling bosses never share power. They leave their underlings to comply
with resentment at being powerless. Meanwhile, the bosses take no
responsibility for their actions. This is a disastrous formula for future
success in children's lives.

The long, gradual process of developing self-control begins in the early
years. Authoritative parents set a few firm limits, carefully explaining the
reasons that lie behind the limits, in terms a young child can understand.

They help children experience the consequences of not keeping within these
boundaries, either as naturally occurring results or as logically related
actions that must follow their mistaken behavior. This is how children
discover better ways to be their own boss.

Parents also allow children to make some of their own choices, within the
clear parameters of acceptable behavior. For example, the adult has the
right to make the decision that children heading for preschool must be
wearing clothes and suitable shoes, but the child may have the freedom to
select those items on any given day.

Then parents follow up by allowing kids to experience the results of their
decisions, even if they find the clothes uncomfortable for active play.
(This is the time not to take on the told-you-so role, but rather to voice a
calm and neutral observation: "I guess the party shoes don't work so well on
the slide.")

With the combination of clearly understood reasons for limits and
experiencing consequences, as well as having increasing amounts of freedom
to choose courses of action, children become more and more able to become
their own bosses. They become more confident in that role, and parents do as
well.

Incidentally, all of this requires parental awareness of what their role
actually is. Parenting is not about being in control of everything in your
children's lives.

A good parent understands that there are about eighteen years in which to
equip children with the knowledge and skills that will carry them through
the rest of their lives.

Spending too much of this time as boss will mean that your job will never be
done--an unhappy outcome for all.

_____

(c) Growing Child 2011

The Boy Who Wouldn't Share by Mike Reiss

2011-12-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

This book is available in our library.
"Most children, by the age of three, understand that expected good behavior
involves allowing others to play with their toys, or also have a cookie. But
understanding and being able to do it, graciously or grudgingly, are two
different things."

THE BOY WHO WOULDN'T SHARE By Mike Reiss, Illustrated by David Caltrow Harper Collins

Normally I stay away from morality tales, feeling that the precious time of
reading to children should not be spoiled by heavy-handed messages. But this
book is irresistible, and if the youngsters also get a message about the
importance of sharing, so be it! The wickedly funny rhymes and comic
illustrations carry the story of how "Edward was a frightful boy who
wouldn't share a single toy."

Patient little sister Claire accepts it all, until Edward has amassed all
his toys into a great heap, even the ones he doesn't really want or need.

But, oh, no! "When Edward's mom came in with fudge, Edward found he couldn't
budge. His mother didn't see him there, and so she gave it all to Claire."

You can almost predict the ending, and I predict that your children will
love the book and get the message. Don't expect, though, that this will
miraculously end all the sibling squabbles over possessions and privileges.
Sharing is hard work.

Most children, by the age of three, understand that expected good behavior
involves allowing others to play with their toys, or also have a cookie. But
understanding and being able to do it, graciously or grudgingly, are two
different things.

The egocentric nature of the young child usually wins out. You can almost
see the warring emotions on their faces: wanting to do the right thing, but
too drawn to the coveted object.

Between siblings, sometimes it is the principle of the thing. Particularly
oldest children have to struggle with their unarticulated sense that this
young usurper has already taken so much from them in the form of parental
attention and affection that they are DARNED if they can have their teddy
bear too! As I'm sure you have already discovered, you can forcefully make a
child share, but this graceless coercion surely only reinforces the child's
sense of unfairness. No, the only final solution is to gradually help the
child see the sense in acting in more generous ways.

So you create opportunities to share, like handing the sharing-challenged
child two cookies and say, "Please take this to your brother." Or saying, "I
need two helpers to carry the two handles of the laundry basket, please."
Such structured situations allow the children to both enjoy the interaction
and discover they feel good about themselves doing it.

Find things that you know the older child has no interest in any more, and
suggest that they offer them to the sibling. Again, the good feelings at
being able to do this will reinforce the concept.

Whenever the child does something even halfway gracious, be sure to take
note and specifically praise the activity: "Thanks for letting Tommy use
your truck. I know he enjoyed using it." Comment on the benefits to sharing:
"When you each have a truck, it's more fun to play, isn't it?"

Model sharing yourself, with other family members or visitors. Remember that
children learn so many important lessons when they see them being practiced
by beloved adults. Remember that learning to share is a process, and expect
lapses along with successes. But expect that this is something children can
learn, and don't allow selfishness to become a habit.

The citizens of our world will appreciate your parental efforts.

_____

(c) Growing Child 2011

King of the Playground by Phyllis Naylor

2011-12-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

This book is available in our library. "I urge you to get the book to read to your children, whether they are on the giving or receiving end of such playground maneuvers. Kevin's Dad plays such an important role in this whole experience. Rather than getting upset or
involved, he merely asks the questions that lead Kevin to consider what he
could do to respond should a wild threat ever be carried out."

KING OF THE PLAYGROUND By Phyllis Naylor, Atheneum, New York, 1991

Too frequently these days we hear parents and teachers discussing bullying,
even cyber-bullying, with often-tragic results.

What we should consider is that preschoolers and primary-aged children have
always struggled with concepts of power and strength over others, and how to
respond when another tries to exert it over them.

This book explores the dilemma Kevin feels when he encounters Sammy on the
playground. Even though Kevin wants to go down the slide headfirst, Sammy
firmly asserts that Kevin can't come in, as Sammy is King of the Playground.

His bold threats of what he will do if he sees Kevin on the slide sends
Kevin home. When he tells his father what Sammy said if he went on the slide
(Sammy would get a rope and tie up his hands and feet so tight he would
never get loose) Dad's response is perfect: "Wow. Really? And what would you
be doing while Sammy was tying you up? Just sitting there?"

After a few such encounters, and with Dad's questions helping Kevin come up
with real solutions, Kevin feels sufficiently emboldened to face Sammy down
on the playground.

When Sammy threatens to put Kevin in a cage with bears in it, Kevin calmly
continues to come into the sandbox, saying, "Then I'll ride on their backs
and teach them tricks."

With increasingly far-fetched threats and creative solutions, Kevin feels
strong enough to sit down and begin to play. I won't spoil the ending, but
will tell you that both boys learn something about themselves and others.

I urge you to get the book to read to your children, whether they are on the
giving or receiving end of such playground maneuvers. Kevin's Dad plays such
an important role in this whole experience. Rather than getting upset or
involved, he merely asks the questions that lead Kevin to consider what he
could do to respond should a wild threat ever be carried out.

When Kevin came up with his answer, Dad responded, "Sure, that's one thing
you could do," and left him to go back to face Sammy with the strength of
his own idea. In this time of hyper-parenting, such a by-stander role often
does not occur to parents.

When a similar playground power struggle erupted recently among some
four-year-old girls, the mother of one immediately called the mother of the
instigator and told her she had to stop her daughter from saying such mean
things to the other children.

She then called the other mothers and got them to agree to tell their
children to boycott the offender.

Needless to say, none of the children learned any new social skills from
this, nor did they develop any strategies for dealing with such future
occurrences-a lose-lose situation. A healthy outcome is for everyone to
learn that naked power is an unhealthy way to interact, and that abject fear
never gets a person anywhere.

To accomplish this, children need to be guided to consider possible
responses that can often be creative and imaginative, and are within their
power to carry out.

Strengthening children to face up to difficult situations is a parent's best
task.

Remember, you won't be there every time your child runs into the King of the
Playground--or the office, or the neighborhood.

_____

(c) Growing Child 2011

The Sad Misuse of Self-esteem

2011-12-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

Your challenge is to help your children understand how self-esteem develops. Much of your parenting should be devoted to helping your children develop this healthy self-esteem rather than the false self-esteem that is epidemic in our society. You must allow your children to experience this connection-both success and failure-in all areas of their lives, including school, sports, the performing arts, relationships, family responsibilities, and other activities. Your children's essential need to have these experiences will require you to eschew the culture of victimization that pervades modern society. You must give your children the opportunity to develop real self-esteem so they can fully experience all aspects of life, including the failures and disappointments as well as the accomplishments and joys.

Parenting: The Sad Misuse of Self-esteem

Do your kids have real self-esteem?

Published on February 22, 2010 by Jim Taylor, Ph.D. in The Power of Prime

Self-esteem is the most misunderstood and misused developmental factor of the past thirty years. Child-rearing experts in the early 1970s decided that all of the efforts of our society should be devoted to helping children build self-esteem. I couldn't agree more. Children with high self-esteem have been found to perform better in school and sports, have better relationships, and have lower rates of problem behavior.

The Wrong Message About Self-Esteem
Unfortunately, these same experts told parents that the best way to develop self-esteem was to ensure that children always felt good about themselves. Parents were told to love and praise and reinforce and reward and encourage their children no matter what they did. Unfortunately, this approach created children who were selfish, spoiled, and entitled.

Parents were also led to believe that they had to be sure that their children never felt bad about themselves because it would hurt their self-esteem. So parents did everything they could to protect their children from anything that might create bad feelings. Parents didn't scold their children when they misbehaved. Parents didn't discipline their children when they didn't give their best effort in school. In sum, parents didn't hold their children accountable for their actions, particularly if they made mistakes or failed-"Gosh, that would just hurt my little one's self-esteem!"

Schools and communities bought into this misguided attempt at building self-esteem by "protecting" children from feeling bad about themselves. For example, school grading systems were changed. I remember between sixth and seventh grade my middle school replaced F for failure with NI (Needs Improvement). God forbid I'd feel bad about myself for failing at something! Sports eliminated scoring, winners, and losers in the belief that losing would hurt children's self-esteem. My four-year-old niece came home one day from a soccer tournament with a ribbon that said "#1-Winner" on it. When I asked her what she did to deserve such a wonderful prize, she said that everyone got one! Though Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of success is just showing up, it's the last 10 percent-the part that requires hard work, discipline, patience, and perseverance-that true success is all about. Children are being led to believe that, like Woody Allen's view, they can become successful and feel good about themselves just for showing up. But showing up is just not enough in today's demanding society. By rewarding children just for showing up, they aren't learning what it really takes to become successful and showing up definitely won't build self-esteem.

The supposed benefit of this mentality is that children's self-esteem is protected. If children aren't responsible for all of the bad things that happen to them, then they can't feel bad about themselves and their self-esteem won't be hurt. This belief has been bolstered by the culture of victimization in which we live-"It's not my fault, it's not my kid's fault. But someone has to be held responsible and we're going to sue them." In its poorly conceived attempt to protect children's self-esteem, our society caused the very thing that it took such pains to prevent-children with low self-esteem, no sense of responsibility, and the emotional and behavioral problems that go with it.

Of course children need to feel loved and protected. This sense of security allows them to feel comfortable venturing out to explore their world. But we have gone way too far in protecting our children from life's harsh realities. In fact, with this preoccupation with protecting our children, those so-called parenting experts neglected to tell parents about the other, equally important contributor to mature and healthy self-esteem.

The Missing Piece of Self-esteem
The second part of self-esteem that those parenting experts forgot to mention to parents is that children need to develop a sense of ownership of their actions, that their actions matter, that their actions have consequences; "If I do good things, good things happen, if I do bad things, bad things happen, and if I do nothing, nothing happens." The antithesis of this approach is the spoiled child; whether they do good, bad, or nothing, they get what they want. Unfortunately, without this sense of ownership, children are thoroughly unprepared for the adulthood because in the real world our actions do have consequences.

This sense of ownership, and the self-esteem that accompanies it, is two sides of the same coin. If children don't take ownership of their mistakes and failures, they can't have ownership of their successes and achievements. And without that ownership, children can't ever really feel good about themselves or experience the meaning, satisfaction, and joy of owning their efforts. Also, without the willingness to take ownership, children are truly victims; they're powerless to change the bad things that might happen to them. With a sense of ownership, children learn that when things are not going well, they have the power to make changes in their lives for the better.

The goal is to raise children with both components of real self-esteem, in which they not only feel loved and valued, but also have that highly developed sense of ownership. Yes, they're going to feel bad when they make mistakes and fail. But you want your children to feel bad when they screw up! How else are they going to learn what not to do and what they need to do to do better in the future? But, contrary to popular belief, these experiences will build, not hurt, their self-esteem. By allowing them to take ownership of their lives-achievements and missteps alike-your children gain the ability to change the bad experiences, and create and savor the good experiences.

Developing Real Self-esteem
Your challenge is to help your children understand how self-esteem develops. Much of your parenting should be devoted to helping your children develop this healthy self-esteem rather than the false self-esteem that is epidemic in our society. You must allow your children to experience this connection-both success and failure-in all areas of their lives, including school, sports, the performing arts, relationships, family responsibilities, and other activities. Your children's essential need to have these experiences will require you to eschew the culture of victimization that pervades modern society. You must give your children the opportunity to develop real self-esteem so they can fully experience all aspects of life, including the failures and disappointments as well as the accomplishments and joys.

Recommendations for Building Self-esteem

Love them regardless of how they perform.
Give them opportunities to demonstrate their competence.
Focus on areas over which they have control (e.g., their efforts rather than results).
Encourage your children to take appropriate risks.
Allow your children to experience failure and then help them learn its essential lessons.
Set expectations for their behavior.
Demand accountability.
Have consequences for bad behavior.
Include them in decision making

2011-11-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

Children are adept at demanding what they think they need and it's up to us as adults to help them differentiate between what they want and what they need. What do you think about, "running a benevolent dictatorship"?

YOU DON’T NEED THEIR PERMISSION!

Let me describe a scenario I witnessedyesterday at the preschool.

A four-year-old arrived a bit late, andsettled into the large group gathering that is part of the beginning morningritual. This is a particular four-year-old about whom you have heard before,one whose Indian name would be She-about-whom-the-world-must-revolve.

A very capable and knowledgeable child,she began to sing the songs they were practicing for the spring festival, andthen suddenly you could see a thought dawn.

On his way out the door, Dad lingered fora moment to greet the teacher, and his daughter frantically tried to catch hiseye. Her lip began to quiver and droop, and the face was desperate. Dad glancedat her, and was sucked right in.

Then followed a mini-drama where hereturned, took her to one side for yet another goodbye, and literally beggedher to let him go. His daughter, by now reveling in her power, was emphaticthat he couldn't yet go.

And so it went, Dad finally dialing onhis cell-phone to postpone an appointment in his office, and his daughterlooking both triumphant and a tad confused. Now let me be clear. This was not afour-year-old who was in the throes of separation anxiety or having any kind ofpersonal crisis. This was a child who just wanted to test again her superiorpower over one of the adults in her life and discovered, partially to herdiscomfort, that she could bend him to her will. This is just plain not goodfor kids. The happiest, most secure children in the world know that adults makethe big decisions about what must be done.

I heard a pediatrician using the words"running a benevolent dictatorship." Benevolent, because we behavewith love, gentleness, and positive interaction, yet a dictatorship because weknow what is best for our lives and for the kids in them. And benevolentdictators do not have to ask for permission—-they simply act with authority andwithout hesitation. So, big people, you do not have to ask for a child'spermission or beg for their acceptance in order to act. You just proceed withwhat needs to be done. In this case, if the dad had just sent another cheerfulwave and left for the office, he would have sent several messages to hisdaughter:

1. I believe you can handle it.Self-confidence results from the clear message that the adult is confidentlyleaving the child in a safe and nurturing environment; hesitation sends theopposite message, implying also that the child is not up to it.

2. We each have some power in ouractions. Unfortunately in the scene I described, Dad abdicated all his power infavor of his daughter. It's a bit scary for kids to feel they have all thepower and adults have none, yet that is what asking them for permission to goon with our lives implies. The power he could have given her is to express herfeelings, but not allow them to control the situation.

3. I am the adult here, and you are thechild; I have my world and you have yours. A more definite leave-taking wouldhave supported this learning.

So, contrary as it is to contemporaryparenting, consider a benevolent dictatorship as a gift to your children.