Sibling Rivalry

Siblings get along with each other all of the time, some of the time, or none of the time. Here are some ideas to improve sibling relationships.

Sibling Rivalry
My children have trouble getting along. How can I help them?
No matter how hard you try to keep the peace, your children are likely to fight over toys, tattle on one another, and tease and criticize each other. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. Here are some tips on managing conflict between your children.

Remember that each child's needs are different.
Some parents feel it's important to treat their children the same way. Yet children often complain that things are "not fair" and that they are not receiving what the other sibling gets. Treating your children differently doesn't mean you are playing favorites. It's a way of showing that you appreciate how special they are.

While it's natural to notice differences between your children, try not to comment on these in front of them.
It is easy for a child to think that he is not as good or as loved as his sibling when you compare them. Remember, each child is special. Let each one know that.

As much as possible, stay out of your children's arguments.
While you may have to help younger children find ways to settle their differences, do not take sides. If your children try to involve you, explain that they need to figure out how to get along. Of course, you must get involved if the situation gets violent. Make sure your children know that such behavior is not allowed. If there is any reason to suspect that your children may become violent, watch them closely when they are together. Preventing violence is always better than punishing after the fact, which often makes the rivalry worse. Praise your children when they solve their arguments, and reward good behavior.

Be fair.
If you must get involved in your children's arguments, listen to all sides of the story. Also, give children privileges that are right for their ages and try to be consistent. If you allowed one child to stay up until 9:00 pm at 10 years of age, the other should have the same bedtime when he is 10.

Respect your child's privacy.
If it is necessary to punish or scold, do it with the child alone in a quiet, private place. Do not embarrass your child by scolding him in front of the others.

Family meetings can be a great way to work out sibling issues.
Some parents find that sharing some of their own experiences about growing up can help too. Just listening to your children can also help. Remember, this is their opportunity to learn about the give-and-take of human relationships.

Types of Sibling Relationships
Almost 80% of children grow up with at least one brother or sister. Brothers and sisters teach each other how to get along with others. Even if they do not always get along with each other, siblings play very positive roles in each other's lives.

Read on to learn more about how siblings get along the way they do and how you can help them learn to live together in peace.

What is a sibling?
In today's world there are many types of families. Besides the traditional mother-and-father family, children are being raised by grandparents, other relatives, foster parents, single parents, or same-sex parents. As a result, brothers and sisters come in many forms.

• Traditional siblings are brothers and sisters with the same mother and father.
• Half siblings share either the same mother or the same father.
• Stepsiblings are brothers and sisters who are not related biologically, but whose parents are married to each other. No matter what type of siblings they are, their relationships with each other are important.

Why siblings get along the way they do
Many things affect relationships between brothers and sisters. Some of these are:

Personality
Parents often wonder how children from the same parents growing up in the same home can be so different. In fact, siblings are sometimes more different than alike. Even if siblings are alike in some ways, it is important for parents to recognize the unique personality of each of their children.

Age
Children of different ages behave differently. For example, younger children may fight in more physical ways. As they get older, their fighting may be more like arguments.

Gender
Gender affects relationships as well. Many parents find that children of the same sex compete with each other more than do opposite-sex children.

Family size, spacing, and birth order
No two children view the family the same way. An only child's experience is different from that of a child in a larger family. Children who are less than 2 years apart sometimes have more conflict than children who are spaced further apart.

Source: Sibling Relationships (Copyright © 2007 American Academy of Pediatrics, updated 3/07 and  5/14/2012)

Learning All the While

"Think about the astonishing process of learning in the early years, a process that combines maturation of the nervous system, experiences, language, memory, models, curiosity, motivation, and an individual child's mental capacities."

LEARNING ALL THE WHILE

When I visited a preschool this week, I was reminded about how constant and profound is the learning of the early years.

The teacher was reading a story about sea turtles to the children, and she emphasized the stunningly amazing fact that, after years spent at sea, adult sea turtles return to the beach where they were hatched to lay their eggs.

One little girl in the circle commented quietly, "I knew that."

She didn't say it in a bragging way, or really to anyone else, but rather as a happy confirmation of her knowledge. And I thought, what a lucky child.

Already in her short life some adult had read a book or had a conversation about one of the marvels of our world. She remembered that fact, tucked it away in her little brain, able to be pulled out at will, to fit into her knowledge.

Now wonder along with me at all that your little ones are learning, every hour and every day.

Think about the astonishing process of learning in the early years, a process that combines maturation of the nervous system, experiences, language, memory, models, curiosity, motivation, and an individual child's mental capacities.

By the time the average child goes off to kindergarten, he or she has already mastered control of the body, with skills as varied as swinging from the top of the monkey bars, manipulating scissors and eating utensils, zipping a jacket, and tying shoelaces.

His or her language has developed from making cooing and then babbling sounds to a spoken vocabulary of nearly ten thousand words.

This child can use sentences that follow the grammatical rules of language with such complexities as plurals and past tenses, all to be able to tell a great story or understand how to communicate with others.

There is an astonishing period in language development, around age two or so, when a child hears a word one time, and then later can use it in an appropriate context.

They have also learned the thousands of conventions and niceties of behavior that seem important to the adults around them, and have figured out how to fit into their particular world.

Even more than that, for understanding the world, their brains have categorized knowledge, so that they understand concepts such as:

• Colors ("My favorite color is green," comments Matthew, as he works on a picture).

• Farm animals (Why else would it be so hilarious when Scotty adds an elephant to the singing of Old McDonald?)

• Words that should be sung instead of spoken.

Children are patient when others try to teach them things that may seem meaningless to them, tolerating the lessons about abstractions like letters and numbers.

They are far more excited when they are learning something that catches their interest and imagination: "My cousins live in New Hampshire," confides Merritt. "Did you know that they make maple syrup out of tree stuff? They cook it and cook it."

We sometimes use the phrase "lifelong learner" to refer to those individuals who keep alive the spirit of curiosity and adventure. But I guarantee that you will never again see humans learning so much, so quickly and effortlessly, as when you pay attention to your children's daily accomplishments.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.