DON’T SQUEAL UNLESS IT’S A BIG DEAL

 

DON’T SQUEAL UNLESS IT’S A BIG DEAL   By Jeanie Ransom, Magination Press, 2006   Perhaps one of the most annoying things that children do is tattle. Guaranteed to drive parents and teachers crazy, the tattler may be motivated by wanting to look like "the good child," or to be appreciated as helpful, to get back at another child, especially a bigger sibling, or even to just get some attention. Tattletales become distinctly unattractive to other children, who won't play with someone who commonly says, "I'm telling!" One of our goals with children is to help them learn how to solve problems on their own, while encouraging them to use adult assistance when they really need to. This humorous book, for preschoolers and primary grade children, tells the story of nineteen students in Mrs. McNeal's class, all of whom were tattletales. After the teacher's patience has worn out, she decides to add a new rule for the class—Don't Squeal unless it's a Big Deal, explaining that most problems that happen between kids are kid-sized problems that they can work out for themselves, usually by talking, listening, and helping each other. When something happens, however, that's bigger than a kid-sized problem, like when someone is hurt or in danger, or when a person is hurting them or has something that doesn't belong to the individual, it's an emergency, and that's when it's okay to get help from the grownup. The story gives children a chance to practice the new rule, and they learn firsthand when squealing is a good idea. Often adults mistakenly assume that ignoring tattling is the best approach, or they may simply cut it off, saying, "I don't want to hear any more about this. Your job is to worry about you." These tactics are usually not very effective, as children need to learn skills and strategies to handle small problems on their own, and to distinguish them from the big stuff. An experienced preschool teacher friend tells me that she usually acknowledges children's tattles with a simple, "Thank you." This doesn't commit herself to any course of action, but does recognize the child's awareness of a rule, of learning right from wrong, and may be enough to remind the child that (s)he can handle it. If the child still seems disturbed, she asks, "Was he getting hurt? Was anyone else getting hurt? Was anything being broken?" and so on, to help the child sort out the issue. After this, she may prompt with, "Is there something you could do about solving that problem for yourself?" With youngest children, adults may need to respond by teaching specific steps to take when someone annoys them, such as talking to other children directly about how the behavior makes them feel or what they need, walking away from the problem or finding alternative toys or activities. It may also be important to give support in the beginning while children try out these strategies, such as "I'm going to help you tell your sister instead of telling me about it." Learning to distinguish between big deal and small-sized problems and what to do about each is an important lesson that will last a lifetime. © Growing Child 2013

 

Keeping Up With the Jones Kids

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES KIDS In a recent essay, Anna Quindlen comments that, in this generation, keeping up with the Joneses has turned into keeping up with the Joneses' kids. Whose mothers, she goes on, all lie. Goodness knows everybody in the world realizes that Americans are competitive--my Canadian relatives kid me about this. But recently parenting itself has turned into a cut-throat sport, wisely not yet recognized by the International Olympic committee. No doubt parental comparisons arise from the basic insecurities that go along with the role, as parents eye one another's accomplishments to get ideas as well as validate their own job performance. Unfortunately, comparisons can quickly lead to attempts to edge ahead in some sort of undeclared race for which the only entrance qualification is having given birth. Child development researchers would be the first to proclaim that the milestones of childhood are just some sort of huge mathematical averages, that there would unlikely be a child anywhere whose development would conform to the patterns proclaimed in the books. What's more, moving through those milestones faster than other kids is not a guaranteed door to success in life. But it's not just who can do what first, when it comes to playground comparisons. Some moms want to make sure that their offspring have the most educational and enrichment opportunities, the best brand name stuff, and the most friends for play dates and birthday parties. Pressure to have their kid at the top of every list seems to be the major preoccupation of many parents. And for what? Parental pressure directed towards keeping up with the Joneses' kids is actually not good for your kids. Medical professionals note increasing amounts of stress in even the youngest children. Children are quick to pick up on their parents' anxieties, and soon become involved in competitive interaction with others as well, feeling increasingly nervous, rather than self-confident. Childhood is the time to develop a positive self-image that will allow kids to move ahead feeling both valued and capable. That self-image grows shaky when children perceive that feedback from parents often conveys a message that they should be striving to do better, so they can be equal to some Jones kid or other. My guess is that most parents today are enlightened enough not to make the competition as overt as in, "Why can't you be as good at soccer as Sally Jones?" Nevertheless, your comments and attention are duly noted and internalized. So how do we kick the habit of keeping up with the Jones kids? • Focus less on those Jones kids, and directly on our own. We appreciate their unique strengths, interests, and abilities. • Loosen the bonds of merchandising tyranny. These means helping our kids and ourselves realize that money spent on accumulating more brand-name stuff is money that can never be spent on more meaningful family experiences. • Remove ourselves from the playground gamesmanship of the Jones moms and focus on how our children, with their unique talents and abilities, are best encouraged and supported as they grow and develop. Most days the challenge is keeping up with our own kids! © Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

Visiting Martians

Here is a unique way to ease children into unfamiliar situations.

 

VISITING MARTIANS

Lisa started at the preschool last week. Her parents had just moved to the community, so within the last few weeks, she had left one home and was getting accustomed to another. She had been in a different preschool at her former home too.

I met Lisa on her fourth day of school. Her eyes were wide, as she participated in the classroom routine in the three-year-old room and followed the teacher's lead.

During circle time, with stories, songs, and games, she refused all opportunities to speak. With each mute response, the teacher redoubled her efforts, becoming quite focused on getting Lisa to speak, all to no avail.

The teacher's anxiety was conveyed to the other children, so they began to ask, "Why doesn't she talk?" Lisa herself looked increasingly uncomfortable.

When I left at the end of the morning, the teacher pulled me aside and wondered what she should do about Lisa. My advice was to treat her as a distinguished visiting Martian.

I had to explain what I meant. Here is a child who has just entered a strange new world, much as if an alien descended from a space ship. She is trying to figure out the customs and habits of life in this new place.

What better way to do it than to observe without having to participate? By participating she opens herself up to the risk of appearing alien, so better to sit back and figure out this brave new world.

In a rush to fit the child into the classroom, there was no recognition of the time an individual needs to acclimatate.

If we really did have a distinguished visiting Martian in our midst, we would be reluctant to call attention to the fact that she hadn't yet figured out our ways, so we would continue with normal practices, perhaps gently demonstrating or quietly explaining them as we went along.

Any clues we could give would help the Martian think, "Aha! So that's what they're doing and why they're doing it!"

Such information would be subtle, not calling attention to the fact that the newcomer didn't get it, so the distinguished visitor would not be embarrassed.

We would convey an implicit message of welcome rather than censure, so that the visitor would not feel stressed in addition to uncertain. Others in the environment would pick up on our cues, and would continue calmly, without undue attention to the newcomer.

This is a distinguished visitor, so we would be focused on her needs, rather than focusing on keeping our world running smoothly. We would be sensitive to her clues about readiness for fitting in, and follow her lead.

Notice that much of this was different from the initial classroom experience, indeed from the usual way we treat children entering a new experience, trying quickly to mold them into our ways, so that we have the least disruption to the routine.

Try imagining children to be distinguished visiting Martians to ease the way for them to become comfortable in our new world.

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© Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

How To Relax -- A Lesson For Moms

How To Relax -- A Lesson For Moms    

'Tis officially the season and that means lots of things for moms out there: shopping, wrapping, donating, cookie baking, memory-making... so I am here to add another thing to your list: relaxing. You heard me right; rest is a requirement amidst the chaos. And the good news is that you have every right to put it at the top of your wish list -- and gift it to yourself. Here's how:

1. Give yourself permission. If you don't give yourself a break (pun intended), why would anybody else? If you can legitimately find 10, 20, 60 minutes to sit and indulge in nothing useful, you need to give yourself a stamp of approval and do it. On most Saturday afternoons while our baby naps, we take "family quiet time." My daughter (now 5 1/2) won't nap, but finds a way to occupy herself while my husband and I nap, read, write, whatever. We tell ourselves -- and her -- that we are taking some time to relax and she has learned to respect that and find her own way to wind down. If we didn't claim it, do you think she would offer it up? Ya... no.
2. Let things wait. Yes, there may be dirty dishes in the sink. There may be laundry to fold. There may be a holiday dinner menu to plan. But guess what -- it will all still be there in 30 minutes. I am not racing against time to win an award in domesticity, but I am racing the clock when it comes to personal stress, health and well-being. So if I choose to flip through a magazine now and let the dust sit just a little while longer, I am ok with that.
3. Don't worry about the kids. They won't die. I mean, obviously once the food, water and sleep stuff is taken care of. But seriously, they don't need you on top of them 24/7. I promise. Even my son, who is not quite 2, can hang on his own for a surprisingly long period of time, as long as I let him... he knows where to find me if he needs me, he's usually just sitting a few feet away, but if I take a pause from constantly entertaining and stimulating his brain and instead focus on relaxing mine instead, he can do it on his own.
4. Partner up. This is a very important step. You and your husband/partner/significant other must be willing to work together on this. It will be rare that you both get time to chill together (our Saturday afternoon ritual is a happy exception) so you need to be willing to take turns. We give each other alternate days to "sleep" in (if that's what you call it when two kids are stomping around outside your bedroom door). If I take a morning to go to workout or shop, he takes the next morning to surf, and so on.
5. Have a drink. It can be chardonnay, it can be café au lait... just indulge in something that indulges your senses. That forces you to pause and enjoy and relish the moment. To focus on the "task" at hand, to give yourself a much-deserved treat and to feed your soul for a moment while you're not busy feeding a hungry mouth. And then... have another.

By Raluca State
   

The Secure Base

John Bowlby, a British psychologist whose thinking and research laid the foundations for attachment theory, once made the statement that "life is best organized as a series of daring adventures from a secure base."

This offers an engaging image of the parent-child relationship. Think of it as a dance in which the partners have to be acutely tuned in to the slightest movement of each other in order to maintain a graceful balance.

The early part of the dance is all about creating the secure base. In infancy, parental ability to read baby cues and respond predictably supports the development of trust, an underlying security that the world is a good place, and there are familiar, predictable people in it who care for the baby.

This secure base is the safe zone, to which children will return again and again for renewal and reassurance throughout their developing years, indeed for their whole lives.

As these early attachments flourish, a positive foundation is laid for all development that will follow. And this development comes partly as a result of that "series of daring adventures."

Children cannot remain long at any one stage of behavior and accomplishment; the human childhood is long, but not long enough for them to get stuck, and it requires new experiences and efforts for them to move on, interspersed with a return to the comfort of the safe and familiar.

Toddlerhood is a time when parents have to be ever alert to the changing nature of the parent-child relationship—-the dance steps change.

After months of being inside the comfortable cocoon where parents and children are quite focused on each other, the little one discovers there is a great world out there to be explored and conquered.

Before most parents realize it, their youngsters are pulling away, trying to establish themselves as separate beings. They take courageous steps, often literally launching themselves into space.

They bump up against other small explorers, often wounding their feelings and sense of self, and perhaps most adventurous of all, they pull away from the very adults who are the source of their security. Watch a toddler entering a challenging new situation, and you will see illustrated this notion of "daring adventures from a secure base."

Often staying physically close to the parent who exemplifies the secure base, when they do venture forth, they occasionally glance back to make sure that security is within reach. Farther and farther they go, until they are able to remain distant and on their own for longer periods.

The same dance will happen with the next daring adventures, whether moving within the neighborhood, to school, to overnight stays, and so on. Parents of college age children will be able to describe the ways their kids come back to the secure base.

One more comment about this: The secure base is somewhere to go back to. If parents insist on being so involved in their children's lives at any stage from toddlerhood on that they are going along to smooth the way for them, the adventures become less daring, as there is no distance.

Secure bases don't move; they truly are foundations.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

YOU ARE NOT THEIR BEST FRIEND

Something has shifted in the world of parent-child relations, and I'm not quite sure when it happened.

Within the last couple of months, I've had no fewer than three moms tell me that they are "best friends" with their preschool children. (I haven't yet heard this from dads, which is why I am making these comments mom-centered.)

When I ask them what this means, the response is something like, "There's nobody I'd rather hang out with." I hesitate, thinking that I am delighted that parents love their children deeply, and want to spend time with them.

Then they go on to add the phrase that worries me—"And (s)he says I'm her best friend too, and (s)he just wants to play with me." This is where I get concerned, thinking that the parent-child relationship should be distinctly separate from being best friends, in several key aspects.

The first differentiation is that parental love is unconditional and unwavering, even when children are at their most annoying worst. Parents may express disapproval of behavior or set limits, but their love is a constant.

Further, thinking of oneself as a child’s best friend makes it harder to move from friend role to limit-setter role.

Unconditional love also makes parents unsuitable to take on the role of best friend, because friends have the role of helping children modify or drop behaviors that are unattractive, unpleasant, or unfriendly.

Moms can't say "I won't be your Mom anymore," but there is definite food for thought and motivation to change when another child says, "I won't be your friend."

Understanding that their behavior affects the responses of others is one reason why children need peers who help them experience cause and effect, often bluntly. There is absolutely no substitute for the up-close-and-personal interaction of young children in learning how to be a friend, best or otherwise.

Moms just can't supply the dose of reality needed for children to move from being egocentric little critters to developing skills for communicating and cooperating with other kids.

Moms as best friends won't prepare their children for the real world that is not so accepting. Learning to be a friend is hard work for preschoolers, and can't be done with Mom's unconditional acceptance.

Another reason to move away from the thinking of parent-child best friendships is that both kids and parents need lives that are distinctly separate from the other, in order for both adult and child to function well.

Studies show that parents can be far more effective in their parenting roles when they derive satisfaction in other parts of their lives as well as parenting, whether that is a relationship with a spouse, time with adult friends and interests, and/or satisfying work. Renewing oneself away from children is a way to be the best mom you can be, rather than your child's best friend.

Similarly, children develop healthy self-esteem when they learn that they can function well with others, not just with their parents.

Among the gifts that parents can give their children is to give them the opportunity to discover that they can function well without the parent's constant presence and support.

So, best friend? No. Best parent? Absolutely!
© Growing Child 2012 www.GrowingChild.com

Sibling Rivalry

Siblings get along with each other all of the time, some of the time, or none of the time. Here are some ideas to improve sibling relationships.

Sibling Rivalry
My children have trouble getting along. How can I help them?
No matter how hard you try to keep the peace, your children are likely to fight over toys, tattle on one another, and tease and criticize each other. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. Here are some tips on managing conflict between your children.

Remember that each child's needs are different.
Some parents feel it's important to treat their children the same way. Yet children often complain that things are "not fair" and that they are not receiving what the other sibling gets. Treating your children differently doesn't mean you are playing favorites. It's a way of showing that you appreciate how special they are.

While it's natural to notice differences between your children, try not to comment on these in front of them.
It is easy for a child to think that he is not as good or as loved as his sibling when you compare them. Remember, each child is special. Let each one know that.

As much as possible, stay out of your children's arguments.
While you may have to help younger children find ways to settle their differences, do not take sides. If your children try to involve you, explain that they need to figure out how to get along. Of course, you must get involved if the situation gets violent. Make sure your children know that such behavior is not allowed. If there is any reason to suspect that your children may become violent, watch them closely when they are together. Preventing violence is always better than punishing after the fact, which often makes the rivalry worse. Praise your children when they solve their arguments, and reward good behavior.

Be fair.
If you must get involved in your children's arguments, listen to all sides of the story. Also, give children privileges that are right for their ages and try to be consistent. If you allowed one child to stay up until 9:00 pm at 10 years of age, the other should have the same bedtime when he is 10.

Respect your child's privacy.
If it is necessary to punish or scold, do it with the child alone in a quiet, private place. Do not embarrass your child by scolding him in front of the others.

Family meetings can be a great way to work out sibling issues.
Some parents find that sharing some of their own experiences about growing up can help too. Just listening to your children can also help. Remember, this is their opportunity to learn about the give-and-take of human relationships.

Types of Sibling Relationships
Almost 80% of children grow up with at least one brother or sister. Brothers and sisters teach each other how to get along with others. Even if they do not always get along with each other, siblings play very positive roles in each other's lives.

Read on to learn more about how siblings get along the way they do and how you can help them learn to live together in peace.

What is a sibling?
In today's world there are many types of families. Besides the traditional mother-and-father family, children are being raised by grandparents, other relatives, foster parents, single parents, or same-sex parents. As a result, brothers and sisters come in many forms.

• Traditional siblings are brothers and sisters with the same mother and father.
• Half siblings share either the same mother or the same father.
• Stepsiblings are brothers and sisters who are not related biologically, but whose parents are married to each other. No matter what type of siblings they are, their relationships with each other are important.

Why siblings get along the way they do
Many things affect relationships between brothers and sisters. Some of these are:

Personality
Parents often wonder how children from the same parents growing up in the same home can be so different. In fact, siblings are sometimes more different than alike. Even if siblings are alike in some ways, it is important for parents to recognize the unique personality of each of their children.

Age
Children of different ages behave differently. For example, younger children may fight in more physical ways. As they get older, their fighting may be more like arguments.

Gender
Gender affects relationships as well. Many parents find that children of the same sex compete with each other more than do opposite-sex children.

Family size, spacing, and birth order
No two children view the family the same way. An only child's experience is different from that of a child in a larger family. Children who are less than 2 years apart sometimes have more conflict than children who are spaced further apart.

Source: Sibling Relationships (Copyright © 2007 American Academy of Pediatrics, updated 3/07 and  5/14/2012)