DON’T SQUEAL UNLESS IT’S A BIG DEAL

 

DON’T SQUEAL UNLESS IT’S A BIG DEAL   By Jeanie Ransom, Magination Press, 2006   Perhaps one of the most annoying things that children do is tattle. Guaranteed to drive parents and teachers crazy, the tattler may be motivated by wanting to look like "the good child," or to be appreciated as helpful, to get back at another child, especially a bigger sibling, or even to just get some attention. Tattletales become distinctly unattractive to other children, who won't play with someone who commonly says, "I'm telling!" One of our goals with children is to help them learn how to solve problems on their own, while encouraging them to use adult assistance when they really need to. This humorous book, for preschoolers and primary grade children, tells the story of nineteen students in Mrs. McNeal's class, all of whom were tattletales. After the teacher's patience has worn out, she decides to add a new rule for the class—Don't Squeal unless it's a Big Deal, explaining that most problems that happen between kids are kid-sized problems that they can work out for themselves, usually by talking, listening, and helping each other. When something happens, however, that's bigger than a kid-sized problem, like when someone is hurt or in danger, or when a person is hurting them or has something that doesn't belong to the individual, it's an emergency, and that's when it's okay to get help from the grownup. The story gives children a chance to practice the new rule, and they learn firsthand when squealing is a good idea. Often adults mistakenly assume that ignoring tattling is the best approach, or they may simply cut it off, saying, "I don't want to hear any more about this. Your job is to worry about you." These tactics are usually not very effective, as children need to learn skills and strategies to handle small problems on their own, and to distinguish them from the big stuff. An experienced preschool teacher friend tells me that she usually acknowledges children's tattles with a simple, "Thank you." This doesn't commit herself to any course of action, but does recognize the child's awareness of a rule, of learning right from wrong, and may be enough to remind the child that (s)he can handle it. If the child still seems disturbed, she asks, "Was he getting hurt? Was anyone else getting hurt? Was anything being broken?" and so on, to help the child sort out the issue. After this, she may prompt with, "Is there something you could do about solving that problem for yourself?" With youngest children, adults may need to respond by teaching specific steps to take when someone annoys them, such as talking to other children directly about how the behavior makes them feel or what they need, walking away from the problem or finding alternative toys or activities. It may also be important to give support in the beginning while children try out these strategies, such as "I'm going to help you tell your sister instead of telling me about it." Learning to distinguish between big deal and small-sized problems and what to do about each is an important lesson that will last a lifetime. © Growing Child 2013

 

Keeping Up With the Jones Kids

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES KIDS In a recent essay, Anna Quindlen comments that, in this generation, keeping up with the Joneses has turned into keeping up with the Joneses' kids. Whose mothers, she goes on, all lie. Goodness knows everybody in the world realizes that Americans are competitive--my Canadian relatives kid me about this. But recently parenting itself has turned into a cut-throat sport, wisely not yet recognized by the International Olympic committee. No doubt parental comparisons arise from the basic insecurities that go along with the role, as parents eye one another's accomplishments to get ideas as well as validate their own job performance. Unfortunately, comparisons can quickly lead to attempts to edge ahead in some sort of undeclared race for which the only entrance qualification is having given birth. Child development researchers would be the first to proclaim that the milestones of childhood are just some sort of huge mathematical averages, that there would unlikely be a child anywhere whose development would conform to the patterns proclaimed in the books. What's more, moving through those milestones faster than other kids is not a guaranteed door to success in life. But it's not just who can do what first, when it comes to playground comparisons. Some moms want to make sure that their offspring have the most educational and enrichment opportunities, the best brand name stuff, and the most friends for play dates and birthday parties. Pressure to have their kid at the top of every list seems to be the major preoccupation of many parents. And for what? Parental pressure directed towards keeping up with the Joneses' kids is actually not good for your kids. Medical professionals note increasing amounts of stress in even the youngest children. Children are quick to pick up on their parents' anxieties, and soon become involved in competitive interaction with others as well, feeling increasingly nervous, rather than self-confident. Childhood is the time to develop a positive self-image that will allow kids to move ahead feeling both valued and capable. That self-image grows shaky when children perceive that feedback from parents often conveys a message that they should be striving to do better, so they can be equal to some Jones kid or other. My guess is that most parents today are enlightened enough not to make the competition as overt as in, "Why can't you be as good at soccer as Sally Jones?" Nevertheless, your comments and attention are duly noted and internalized. So how do we kick the habit of keeping up with the Jones kids? • Focus less on those Jones kids, and directly on our own. We appreciate their unique strengths, interests, and abilities. • Loosen the bonds of merchandising tyranny. These means helping our kids and ourselves realize that money spent on accumulating more brand-name stuff is money that can never be spent on more meaningful family experiences. • Remove ourselves from the playground gamesmanship of the Jones moms and focus on how our children, with their unique talents and abilities, are best encouraged and supported as they grow and develop. Most days the challenge is keeping up with our own kids! © Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

Visiting Martians

Here is a unique way to ease children into unfamiliar situations.

 

VISITING MARTIANS

Lisa started at the preschool last week. Her parents had just moved to the community, so within the last few weeks, she had left one home and was getting accustomed to another. She had been in a different preschool at her former home too.

I met Lisa on her fourth day of school. Her eyes were wide, as she participated in the classroom routine in the three-year-old room and followed the teacher's lead.

During circle time, with stories, songs, and games, she refused all opportunities to speak. With each mute response, the teacher redoubled her efforts, becoming quite focused on getting Lisa to speak, all to no avail.

The teacher's anxiety was conveyed to the other children, so they began to ask, "Why doesn't she talk?" Lisa herself looked increasingly uncomfortable.

When I left at the end of the morning, the teacher pulled me aside and wondered what she should do about Lisa. My advice was to treat her as a distinguished visiting Martian.

I had to explain what I meant. Here is a child who has just entered a strange new world, much as if an alien descended from a space ship. She is trying to figure out the customs and habits of life in this new place.

What better way to do it than to observe without having to participate? By participating she opens herself up to the risk of appearing alien, so better to sit back and figure out this brave new world.

In a rush to fit the child into the classroom, there was no recognition of the time an individual needs to acclimatate.

If we really did have a distinguished visiting Martian in our midst, we would be reluctant to call attention to the fact that she hadn't yet figured out our ways, so we would continue with normal practices, perhaps gently demonstrating or quietly explaining them as we went along.

Any clues we could give would help the Martian think, "Aha! So that's what they're doing and why they're doing it!"

Such information would be subtle, not calling attention to the fact that the newcomer didn't get it, so the distinguished visitor would not be embarrassed.

We would convey an implicit message of welcome rather than censure, so that the visitor would not feel stressed in addition to uncertain. Others in the environment would pick up on our cues, and would continue calmly, without undue attention to the newcomer.

This is a distinguished visitor, so we would be focused on her needs, rather than focusing on keeping our world running smoothly. We would be sensitive to her clues about readiness for fitting in, and follow her lead.

Notice that much of this was different from the initial classroom experience, indeed from the usual way we treat children entering a new experience, trying quickly to mold them into our ways, so that we have the least disruption to the routine.

Try imagining children to be distinguished visiting Martians to ease the way for them to become comfortable in our new world.

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© Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

How To Relax -- A Lesson For Moms

How To Relax -- A Lesson For Moms    

'Tis officially the season and that means lots of things for moms out there: shopping, wrapping, donating, cookie baking, memory-making... so I am here to add another thing to your list: relaxing. You heard me right; rest is a requirement amidst the chaos. And the good news is that you have every right to put it at the top of your wish list -- and gift it to yourself. Here's how:

1. Give yourself permission. If you don't give yourself a break (pun intended), why would anybody else? If you can legitimately find 10, 20, 60 minutes to sit and indulge in nothing useful, you need to give yourself a stamp of approval and do it. On most Saturday afternoons while our baby naps, we take "family quiet time." My daughter (now 5 1/2) won't nap, but finds a way to occupy herself while my husband and I nap, read, write, whatever. We tell ourselves -- and her -- that we are taking some time to relax and she has learned to respect that and find her own way to wind down. If we didn't claim it, do you think she would offer it up? Ya... no.
2. Let things wait. Yes, there may be dirty dishes in the sink. There may be laundry to fold. There may be a holiday dinner menu to plan. But guess what -- it will all still be there in 30 minutes. I am not racing against time to win an award in domesticity, but I am racing the clock when it comes to personal stress, health and well-being. So if I choose to flip through a magazine now and let the dust sit just a little while longer, I am ok with that.
3. Don't worry about the kids. They won't die. I mean, obviously once the food, water and sleep stuff is taken care of. But seriously, they don't need you on top of them 24/7. I promise. Even my son, who is not quite 2, can hang on his own for a surprisingly long period of time, as long as I let him... he knows where to find me if he needs me, he's usually just sitting a few feet away, but if I take a pause from constantly entertaining and stimulating his brain and instead focus on relaxing mine instead, he can do it on his own.
4. Partner up. This is a very important step. You and your husband/partner/significant other must be willing to work together on this. It will be rare that you both get time to chill together (our Saturday afternoon ritual is a happy exception) so you need to be willing to take turns. We give each other alternate days to "sleep" in (if that's what you call it when two kids are stomping around outside your bedroom door). If I take a morning to go to workout or shop, he takes the next morning to surf, and so on.
5. Have a drink. It can be chardonnay, it can be café au lait... just indulge in something that indulges your senses. That forces you to pause and enjoy and relish the moment. To focus on the "task" at hand, to give yourself a much-deserved treat and to feed your soul for a moment while you're not busy feeding a hungry mouth. And then... have another.

By Raluca State
   

The Secure Base

John Bowlby, a British psychologist whose thinking and research laid the foundations for attachment theory, once made the statement that "life is best organized as a series of daring adventures from a secure base."

This offers an engaging image of the parent-child relationship. Think of it as a dance in which the partners have to be acutely tuned in to the slightest movement of each other in order to maintain a graceful balance.

The early part of the dance is all about creating the secure base. In infancy, parental ability to read baby cues and respond predictably supports the development of trust, an underlying security that the world is a good place, and there are familiar, predictable people in it who care for the baby.

This secure base is the safe zone, to which children will return again and again for renewal and reassurance throughout their developing years, indeed for their whole lives.

As these early attachments flourish, a positive foundation is laid for all development that will follow. And this development comes partly as a result of that "series of daring adventures."

Children cannot remain long at any one stage of behavior and accomplishment; the human childhood is long, but not long enough for them to get stuck, and it requires new experiences and efforts for them to move on, interspersed with a return to the comfort of the safe and familiar.

Toddlerhood is a time when parents have to be ever alert to the changing nature of the parent-child relationship—-the dance steps change.

After months of being inside the comfortable cocoon where parents and children are quite focused on each other, the little one discovers there is a great world out there to be explored and conquered.

Before most parents realize it, their youngsters are pulling away, trying to establish themselves as separate beings. They take courageous steps, often literally launching themselves into space.

They bump up against other small explorers, often wounding their feelings and sense of self, and perhaps most adventurous of all, they pull away from the very adults who are the source of their security. Watch a toddler entering a challenging new situation, and you will see illustrated this notion of "daring adventures from a secure base."

Often staying physically close to the parent who exemplifies the secure base, when they do venture forth, they occasionally glance back to make sure that security is within reach. Farther and farther they go, until they are able to remain distant and on their own for longer periods.

The same dance will happen with the next daring adventures, whether moving within the neighborhood, to school, to overnight stays, and so on. Parents of college age children will be able to describe the ways their kids come back to the secure base.

One more comment about this: The secure base is somewhere to go back to. If parents insist on being so involved in their children's lives at any stage from toddlerhood on that they are going along to smooth the way for them, the adventures become less daring, as there is no distance.

Secure bases don't move; they truly are foundations.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

YOU ARE NOT THEIR BEST FRIEND

Something has shifted in the world of parent-child relations, and I'm not quite sure when it happened.

Within the last couple of months, I've had no fewer than three moms tell me that they are "best friends" with their preschool children. (I haven't yet heard this from dads, which is why I am making these comments mom-centered.)

When I ask them what this means, the response is something like, "There's nobody I'd rather hang out with." I hesitate, thinking that I am delighted that parents love their children deeply, and want to spend time with them.

Then they go on to add the phrase that worries me—"And (s)he says I'm her best friend too, and (s)he just wants to play with me." This is where I get concerned, thinking that the parent-child relationship should be distinctly separate from being best friends, in several key aspects.

The first differentiation is that parental love is unconditional and unwavering, even when children are at their most annoying worst. Parents may express disapproval of behavior or set limits, but their love is a constant.

Further, thinking of oneself as a child’s best friend makes it harder to move from friend role to limit-setter role.

Unconditional love also makes parents unsuitable to take on the role of best friend, because friends have the role of helping children modify or drop behaviors that are unattractive, unpleasant, or unfriendly.

Moms can't say "I won't be your Mom anymore," but there is definite food for thought and motivation to change when another child says, "I won't be your friend."

Understanding that their behavior affects the responses of others is one reason why children need peers who help them experience cause and effect, often bluntly. There is absolutely no substitute for the up-close-and-personal interaction of young children in learning how to be a friend, best or otherwise.

Moms just can't supply the dose of reality needed for children to move from being egocentric little critters to developing skills for communicating and cooperating with other kids.

Moms as best friends won't prepare their children for the real world that is not so accepting. Learning to be a friend is hard work for preschoolers, and can't be done with Mom's unconditional acceptance.

Another reason to move away from the thinking of parent-child best friendships is that both kids and parents need lives that are distinctly separate from the other, in order for both adult and child to function well.

Studies show that parents can be far more effective in their parenting roles when they derive satisfaction in other parts of their lives as well as parenting, whether that is a relationship with a spouse, time with adult friends and interests, and/or satisfying work. Renewing oneself away from children is a way to be the best mom you can be, rather than your child's best friend.

Similarly, children develop healthy self-esteem when they learn that they can function well with others, not just with their parents.

Among the gifts that parents can give their children is to give them the opportunity to discover that they can function well without the parent's constant presence and support.

So, best friend? No. Best parent? Absolutely!
© Growing Child 2012 www.GrowingChild.com

Sibling Rivalry

Siblings get along with each other all of the time, some of the time, or none of the time. Here are some ideas to improve sibling relationships.

Sibling Rivalry
My children have trouble getting along. How can I help them?
No matter how hard you try to keep the peace, your children are likely to fight over toys, tattle on one another, and tease and criticize each other. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. Here are some tips on managing conflict between your children.

Remember that each child's needs are different.
Some parents feel it's important to treat their children the same way. Yet children often complain that things are "not fair" and that they are not receiving what the other sibling gets. Treating your children differently doesn't mean you are playing favorites. It's a way of showing that you appreciate how special they are.

While it's natural to notice differences between your children, try not to comment on these in front of them.
It is easy for a child to think that he is not as good or as loved as his sibling when you compare them. Remember, each child is special. Let each one know that.

As much as possible, stay out of your children's arguments.
While you may have to help younger children find ways to settle their differences, do not take sides. If your children try to involve you, explain that they need to figure out how to get along. Of course, you must get involved if the situation gets violent. Make sure your children know that such behavior is not allowed. If there is any reason to suspect that your children may become violent, watch them closely when they are together. Preventing violence is always better than punishing after the fact, which often makes the rivalry worse. Praise your children when they solve their arguments, and reward good behavior.

Be fair.
If you must get involved in your children's arguments, listen to all sides of the story. Also, give children privileges that are right for their ages and try to be consistent. If you allowed one child to stay up until 9:00 pm at 10 years of age, the other should have the same bedtime when he is 10.

Respect your child's privacy.
If it is necessary to punish or scold, do it with the child alone in a quiet, private place. Do not embarrass your child by scolding him in front of the others.

Family meetings can be a great way to work out sibling issues.
Some parents find that sharing some of their own experiences about growing up can help too. Just listening to your children can also help. Remember, this is their opportunity to learn about the give-and-take of human relationships.

Types of Sibling Relationships
Almost 80% of children grow up with at least one brother or sister. Brothers and sisters teach each other how to get along with others. Even if they do not always get along with each other, siblings play very positive roles in each other's lives.

Read on to learn more about how siblings get along the way they do and how you can help them learn to live together in peace.

What is a sibling?
In today's world there are many types of families. Besides the traditional mother-and-father family, children are being raised by grandparents, other relatives, foster parents, single parents, or same-sex parents. As a result, brothers and sisters come in many forms.

• Traditional siblings are brothers and sisters with the same mother and father.
• Half siblings share either the same mother or the same father.
• Stepsiblings are brothers and sisters who are not related biologically, but whose parents are married to each other. No matter what type of siblings they are, their relationships with each other are important.

Why siblings get along the way they do
Many things affect relationships between brothers and sisters. Some of these are:

Personality
Parents often wonder how children from the same parents growing up in the same home can be so different. In fact, siblings are sometimes more different than alike. Even if siblings are alike in some ways, it is important for parents to recognize the unique personality of each of their children.

Age
Children of different ages behave differently. For example, younger children may fight in more physical ways. As they get older, their fighting may be more like arguments.

Gender
Gender affects relationships as well. Many parents find that children of the same sex compete with each other more than do opposite-sex children.

Family size, spacing, and birth order
No two children view the family the same way. An only child's experience is different from that of a child in a larger family. Children who are less than 2 years apart sometimes have more conflict than children who are spaced further apart.

Source: Sibling Relationships (Copyright © 2007 American Academy of Pediatrics, updated 3/07 and  5/14/2012)

Learning All the While

"Think about the astonishing process of learning in the early years, a process that combines maturation of the nervous system, experiences, language, memory, models, curiosity, motivation, and an individual child's mental capacities."

LEARNING ALL THE WHILE

When I visited a preschool this week, I was reminded about how constant and profound is the learning of the early years.

The teacher was reading a story about sea turtles to the children, and she emphasized the stunningly amazing fact that, after years spent at sea, adult sea turtles return to the beach where they were hatched to lay their eggs.

One little girl in the circle commented quietly, "I knew that."

She didn't say it in a bragging way, or really to anyone else, but rather as a happy confirmation of her knowledge. And I thought, what a lucky child.

Already in her short life some adult had read a book or had a conversation about one of the marvels of our world. She remembered that fact, tucked it away in her little brain, able to be pulled out at will, to fit into her knowledge.

Now wonder along with me at all that your little ones are learning, every hour and every day.

Think about the astonishing process of learning in the early years, a process that combines maturation of the nervous system, experiences, language, memory, models, curiosity, motivation, and an individual child's mental capacities.

By the time the average child goes off to kindergarten, he or she has already mastered control of the body, with skills as varied as swinging from the top of the monkey bars, manipulating scissors and eating utensils, zipping a jacket, and tying shoelaces.

His or her language has developed from making cooing and then babbling sounds to a spoken vocabulary of nearly ten thousand words.

This child can use sentences that follow the grammatical rules of language with such complexities as plurals and past tenses, all to be able to tell a great story or understand how to communicate with others.

There is an astonishing period in language development, around age two or so, when a child hears a word one time, and then later can use it in an appropriate context.

They have also learned the thousands of conventions and niceties of behavior that seem important to the adults around them, and have figured out how to fit into their particular world.

Even more than that, for understanding the world, their brains have categorized knowledge, so that they understand concepts such as:

• Colors ("My favorite color is green," comments Matthew, as he works on a picture).

• Farm animals (Why else would it be so hilarious when Scotty adds an elephant to the singing of Old McDonald?)

• Words that should be sung instead of spoken.

Children are patient when others try to teach them things that may seem meaningless to them, tolerating the lessons about abstractions like letters and numbers.

They are far more excited when they are learning something that catches their interest and imagination: "My cousins live in New Hampshire," confides Merritt. "Did you know that they make maple syrup out of tree stuff? They cook it and cook it."

We sometimes use the phrase "lifelong learner" to refer to those individuals who keep alive the spirit of curiosity and adventure. But I guarantee that you will never again see humans learning so much, so quickly and effortlessly, as when you pay attention to your children's daily accomplishments.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

Potty Training Incentives That Work

Sometimes toddlers need a little motivation for taking the leap from diapers to the big-kid potty chair. Here are some ideas for fun and effective potty training. What has worked for you?

Sticker Chart
Create a day-to-day chart and decorate it with your child's favorite superhero or TV character. After each successful trip to the bathroom, she can place a colorful sticker on the chart.

Potty Log

Purchase (or make from scrapbook paper like we did) a colorful journal and use it to write a personalized story of your child's journey from diapers to fully potty trained. Have your child star as the hero, of course. After each successful trip, add a little to the story with the help of your kiddo.

Coloring Book

Let your child color a drawing after each trip to the bathroom. After he's fully potty trained, you can treasure his art and remember the big achievement.

Books

Books can be incentives in a number of ways. Try one of these ideas to get toddlers reading and potty training:

* Keep a stash of books in the bathroom that are only for use while on the toilet.

* Get your toddler comfortable in bathroom by having him sit on the toilet fully clothed as you read a book. When he's ready, have him sit without the diaper.

* Take a trip to the bookstore and have your child pick out new books, but let him read the special potty books only when going to the bathroom.

Drink & Wet Doll

Buy a potty-training "drink and wet" doll and have your toddler teach her baby how to go to the bathroom. By teaching the doll, she will be potty training herself without even knowing it.

Door Hanger

Make the bathroom a fun space by having your toddler decorate a door hanger and signs with stickers, markers, and puffy paint.

Big-Kid Underwear

Let your kiddo pick out new underwear with bright patterns or favorite TV characters as encouragement, and tell him he's ready to wear them like other big kids. He might want to try the underwear over his diaper first, but the building curiosity can lead to success.

Water Colors

Dye the toilet water with red or blue food coloring -- when he goes potty it will change color to orange or green, turning potty training into a game. As your little boy gets older, he will love this motivation as he learns to aim.

M&Ms

Put a small bowl on the counter to fill with M&Ms, poker chips, or marbles for every victorious potty trip. When the bowl is full, give your child a reward. Your little one will be proud of successful bathroom trips and look forward to a little treat.

Reward Bag

Put several inexpensive toys and stickers into a colorful gift bag. Every time your child uses the toilet, allow him to take one surprise out of the bag.

Personalize the Potty

Using stickers is an easy way to decorate the potty chair. Let your little one place her favorite stickers on the potty -- having a personalized chair will make her more excited to train.

Help from His Lovey

If your child is still attached to his comfort item, let him take that to the potty with him. It will give him a sense of security as he moves into this next big step.

By Brooklyn Presta

Ungrateful Children

Negotiating with children can create a power play with parents. Here are some ideas to minimize the conflict.

Ungrateful Children

"Just once more, Mom! Pleeeease?" My daughter, Stella, 6, was begging me to let her go down the slide again before we left the playground. By itself, the request was no biggie. But the previous slide was supposed to be her last, and I was tired of negotiating. Plus, I felt like I had spent all day dealing with her requests to push the limits: one more chapter in the Junie B. Jones book, five more minutes at a playdate, another Curious George episode, and a cookie even though she already ate an ice pop.

Would she ever be satisfied? "It may drive you crazy, but it's normal for 5- and 6-year-olds to test limits," says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years. "This is when kids become astute at articulating thoughts and negotiating nuances, and they're testing those skills on you."

The good news, Dr. Berman says, is that repeated requests don't mean your child is becoming greedy or selfish. In fact, kids usually outgrow this stage by age 8 or 9. That's little consolation when you're dealing with your child's 100th plea and you're so sick of talking about it that you want to scream. Especially since that's what our child-development experts say not to do. We asked for their best tips on what to try instead.

Make a Deal

Your child is most likely to push the limits that occur on a regular basis, probably when he's having fun or trying to delay something he hates. Use that to your advantage by getting him on board beforehand. So, if your son always asks for one more chapter in his Magic Tree House book at bedtime, while you're eating dinner, decide together how many chapters you'll read. Make him feel invested in the decision by giving him two choices you're okay with -- something like, "Should we read one chapter or two?" Then, even if he asks for one more when you're done, you can say, "You love stories, but remember, you said two chapters at dinner. Maybe tomorrow we can read more," suggests Harvey Karp, M.D., a Parents advisor and creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book.

Put in Your Notice

We all know it's important to give toddlers a lot of early warnings before transitions like leaving a friend's house, but sometimes we forget that older kids need one too. "Even adults need help shifting gears," Dr. Berman says. "If I'm browsing at the bookstore with my husband and all of a sudden he says, 'Okay, let's go. I've had enough,' it's frustrating. I do better if he gives me a ten-minute warning."

Five- and 6-year-olds don't need constant reminders, but warn your child at the halfway point and at least once just before an activity ends. In your reminder, try to anticipate her comeback. So if she usually argues after a game of Candy Land that you have to play one more so she can have a chance to beat you, you could say at the outset, "If I win again, this is still going to be our last game. You can try again next time to beat me."

Feel Their Pain

Even if you make a deal in advance and remind your child of the limit, what should you do if he still pleads for more? Research shows that he'll be more likely to be cooperative -- rather than confrontational -- if you express empathy. For example, before you say no, tell your child you understand his frustration. In other words, when your child spots a toy car and a pack of trading cards and insists, "But I want both of them," your first response should be a calm "I know you do, sweetie."

"Your empathy calms him and helps him get back into a rational, thinking state," says Liann Smith, a parent coach and educator in Seattle. Then you can remind him of the rule, which hopefully you established before you entered the store: "We agreed you could pick out one thing, right?"

Stand Your Ground

Sometimes, no matter how sympathetic you sound, your child won't move on. Maybe it's time to leave a playdate at a friend's house and she starts to whine and beg, coming up with a myriad of reasons she needs more time there. Go ahead and hear out her arguments, Dr. Berman says, and explain your reasoning if necessary. If it becomes clear that she's arguing just for the sake of arguing, put your foot down. That might mean saying, "I'm not going to talk about this anymore" and walking away.

Or try this tip from Hal Runkel, an Atlanta-based therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting: Say, "No, my decision is final,' over and over again, until your child stops arguing. "It's okay to sound like a broken record," Runkel says. "But don't get angry. If you get angry, she'll focus on your behavior instead of focusing on her own."

By Michelle Crouch

Originally published in the January 2011 issue of Parents magazine.

Creating a Caring Community

Success in life has many facets. It's vitally important to feel that we are each a part of a caring community and that our contributions matter whether one is an adult or a child. What do you do to belong in your family and how do you help your children to belong to your caring community?

CREATING A CARING COMMUNITY

The first role defined for teachers of young children in the position statement of the National Association for the Education of Young Children is "to create a caring community of learners."

This phrase popped into my mind recently as I contemplated the news story about the father who shot his daughter's computer because of her (rudely and publicly expressed) complaints about doing her assigned household chores.

When I think of words to describe a family, "a caring community" gives a nice image--people of different ages who live communally, bound by love and caring.

My understanding of community is that we are all in this together, with each of us deriving benefit from the group, as well as making appropriate contributions.

When a child complains bitterly about having to do household chores, it seems that she has failed to gain this understanding, since members of a community understand their responsibilities that are lovingly undertaken to help one another.

Why would this happen? Sometimes parents feel that the definition of their role is to do all the care and maintenance of their children, that this is what a "good" parent would do.

They may underestimate what even very young children can do to help around the house, and decide to postpone such training for later, at which point children may have become habituated to being the privileged drones in the household.

Or parents may discover that it is faster and more effective for them to do small tasks themselves, not realizing what intangible benefits children derive from making contributions that they perceive as meaningful.

Possibly parents are so busy that they do not want to take the time to demonstrate the "how to's" so that children can take responsibility for household chores.

And, in the most telling lack of all, there is no communication about the concept of family as community, with parents helping their children understand that when people love each other, daily life is a series of accommodations and compromises.

When the conversation deteriorates to bickering over whose job it is, this bigger idea of community is absent. Parents modeling cooperation offer a huge lesson here.

Whatever the reason, important life-lessons are lost when children are not included as contributing members of the family community. Let me list some of these life-lessons.

1. Everyone has a job to do, and taking responsibility for doing it well is important for the good of everybody.

2. Sometimes we have to do things just because they need to be done, not because they are particularly enjoyable (although show me a two- or three-year-old who does not get a kick out of wielding a broom or emptying a waste basket!).

3. There is a feeling of satisfaction in fulfilling a responsibility.

4. Often we get the job done first, and then have time for relaxation and pleasure.

Individuals who have learned these lessons are most likely to succeed in school and later life, in relationships and their chosen work life. Beginning early with household tasks and creating a sense of community is the first step to these helpful attitudes.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

From Nagging to Noticing

Does nagging work for you? Do you say the same things over and over again to your children and expect different results?  Try "noticing" and let us know if the results are different. It's worth a try.

From Nagging to Noticing

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Sound Discipline 

Contributed by Melanie Miller, M.Ed.

Ever feel like the nagging parent…? “Why is your backpack still in the hallway?” “Can’t you ever learn to put your dishes in the dishwasher?” “Did you put your bike away?” “How many times do I have tell you…?” “If you make me say it one more time….” And on and on and on!

I’ve heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Nagging reminds me of insanity. We keep repeating ourselves thinking that this time he/she will get it, they’ll finally do what I want them to do! Perhaps if we could listen to ourselves or make a quick video, we might see and hear insanity in action. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results doesn’t get us anywhere and it doesn’t help the relationships we have with our children.

The next time you’re frustrated with what your child hasn’t done, take a deep breath, or two or three, and begin your sentence with “I notice”.
• I notice that your backpack is still in the hallway and someone might trip on it.
• I notice your bike is still outside and it’s starting to get dark.
• I notice your dirty dishes all over the counter and I need the space to start making dinner.

Simply observing what has happened shows faith in your child’s ability to figure out what needs to be done. It also takes the overpowering, lid flipping, and confrontation making emotion out of our interactions with our children. It gives them the space to think for themselves, engage their brain and once again figure out what needs to be done. And, it just sounds so much more respectful, which leads to healthier relationships.

Math at Home

There are so many ways that math can be included in day to day life. Teachable moments are all around us. Counting fingers and toes is a simple way to get to twenty. Add more people and the numbers increase. It's easy to go from there to counting by fives or tens. Find parts of the body that come in pairs. Math is all around us! What math activities do you do with your children?

MATH AT HOME

We hear a lot these days about preparing children for literacy before they go to school.

Parents understand the importance of reading to their children from an early age, getting them excited about the world of books.

You can hardly find a preschool aged child who can't say the alphabet, recognize some key letters ("That says Stop!"), or attempt to print their names.

Equally important to academic success, however, is laying the foundations for understanding math, but this is an area often overlooked.

Now, lest you be tempted to dash out and get some flashcards or purchase a cute math computer game, let me suggest that your daily life with kids offers more than enough math experiences to get them well started.

Indeed, higher math concepts are embedded in simple interactions. Real life experiences make math concepts come alive in ways that flash cards never could.

Even youngest toddlers are casually exposed to the idea of number when you give them two crackers--one for each hand, something every toddler loves—-and count them as you do.

Even sharing becomes easier when you give the child a number of objects and ask her to give half of them to her brother.

Older preschoolers learn to count the number of forks and napkins needed when they set the table; an added bonus is discovering the concept of one-to-one correspondence when they learn to match place settings to chairs.

Counting objects helps children get through errands in the car-—"Let's see how many stoplights on the way to the doctor's office" or "Why don't you count the red cars we pass, and I'll count the blue ones."

Using math talk as part of regular conversation helps children understand concepts of comparison. "Do you need more Cheerios? Here I'll make two piles. Which one is bigger, and which is smaller? Can you make the piles the same?" And so on.

The family height records—-ours are on the sun porch doorway—-help children absorb ideas about size, measurement, and comparison, leading to addition and subtraction as we try to interpret how much each child grew this year.

Calendars are perfect props for math ideas. First, they have lots of numbers, so kids can get familiar with the sequence and appearance of numbers.

Then, they have the capacity to introduce simple subtraction. "How many days left until we go to Grandma's? Yesterday it was six. Let's count and see how many today."

When my children were small, we used to decorate our table with paper chains, with one link to count each day until an anticipated event, like a birthday. We made a ceremony of removing a link each day, and math was being absorbed as well.

Cooking is a complex activity, involving both literacy and math skills. Measuring ingredients helps practice counting again, as well as introduces new math terms, such a half a cup, and one-quarter teaspoon.

Before the cooking begins, trips to the grocery store allow more rehearsal of math skills: "Please choose four oranges for us, and then we will have to get one gallon of milk. The gallon is the biggest container. Which container looks like the biggest one?" Estimating is another important foundational skill.

One last household activity that forms a basis for later math understanding is sorting things—-socks as we fold laundry, similar toys to put away, like shapes to fit inside each other in the pot cupboard, and so on.

You may benefit by wonderfully tidy desk drawers when you ask your youngster to separate all the paper clips, rubber bands, pencils, and markers into separate containers. Classification is a basic math understanding.

Math at home gives your child important foundational knowledge, while involving him/her in your daily routines.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

How To Unlock Your Child's Academic Potential

Here are 8 ideas to help you to help your child. Some of these suggestions like reading and talking with your child are easy to accomplish every day while others will take some practice. We can always learn to improve ourselves as people and as parents. Keep your expectations realistic. If at first you don't succeed try, try again.

How to Unlock Your Child’s Academic Potential

Success often depends on how well-prepared children are for elementary school. Here's how to get your kid kindergarten ready

By JON SCHNUR | January 17, 2012 |

Last month, the White House announced the winners of a hotly contested competition among states for early childhood Race to the Top funding. Proposals from governors — 17 Republicans and 18 Democrats — totaled more than four times the available funding and underscored the fact that long-term academic success depends in a large part on how well-prepared young children are for elementary school. Of course, with budget constraints, all of America is looking for cost-effective ways to invest in America’s future. As parents begin making plans for their preschoolers for the coming year, they can use clear tips from new research to help get kids ready to learn when they walk through the doors on the first day of kindergarten.

A child’s I.Q., intellectual ability and social and emotional skills are like muscles — they develop or atrophy based on how well adults help children apply effort through specific actions starting from a young age. A seven-year study in Silicon Valley showed that children demonstrating academic readiness and the ability to self-regulate — especially paying attention during activities and following multi-step directions — by kindergarten were three times as likely to meet reading level standards by third grade. This list of practical tips can help prepare kids academically and socially:

 1) Read, read, read with each child — at least 20 minutes daily. Make it fun and engaging. Use reading as a basis for conversation with your child. Keep books in eyesight in baskets, on shelves and coffee tables. Placing books within reach for kids — and kids seeing parents read books of their own — stimulates reading activity. Parents who don’t read well in English can be effective by reading in their native language or showing a book while making up stories. An Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development study, published in November 2011, shows that kids whose parents read with them regularly at a young age performed as much as a year ahead of their peers academically by age 15. If money is too tight to buy lots of books, take them out of the library.

 2) Talk, talk, talk with your child — everywhere you go together. Prolong rather than abbreviate conversations. The average conversation length between parent and child correlates closely to the child’s future I.Q. and reading levels. Longer conversations help the parent and child do what researchers call the language dance — where parents ask open-ended questions, provide their own perspectives and use exchanges about basics as springboards into imaginative conversation.

(MORE: Schnur: Can We Teach Kids to Be Good Citizens?)

 3) Give at least three positive expectations or tips for each time you correct your child. Instead of always correcting your kids (“Stop that, don’t leave before clearing your plate,”) help them understand your expectations (“Once we finish eating, we’ll all clear the table to make room for playing here.”) When the child follows through, give specific positive praise for their efforts (“Thank you for waiting with us until everyone is ready to clear the table.”) As they learn academically, cite specific efforts (“You focused so well on practicing and learning to count!”) rather than attribute learning or failure to innate ability or personality.

 4) Help children develop character and learn social and emotional skills. This includes patiently helping children learn to self-regulate through turn-taking games, two- and three-step directions and age-appropriate basic chores. While it takes many years to develop, self-control has double the impact of I.Q. on future educational success. And listen to a child one-on-one, while repeating the child’s sounds or words. As they grow, ask them to tell you something about their day. Build understanding of others’ perspectives by asking children what they think others are feeling.

 5) Devote space and daily time in your home for kids’ imaginative and pretend play with your kids’ art up on walls. For children, play — with their family, with other children and by themselves — is fun. Play helps kids learn to interact with others and practice what they learn. Building blocks of character, positive relationships, language and academics are learned through play.

(MORE: DeBenedet and Cohen: Are Helicopter Parents Here to Stay?)

 6) Find a high-quality pre-school for your child. Visit programs and ask about their goals for addressing academic, social and emotional needs. You can search for accredited programs through the National Association for the Education of Young Children and learn how to analyze a program’s fit for your child with the help of a book like Choosing the Right Preschool by Bryan and Emily Hassel. Send them to pre-school ready to learn with 10 to 12 hours of sleep and a good breakfast.

 7) Limit how much your kids watch television — or any other screen. A study from the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine shows that over one hour daily of television negatively impacts future academic performance and impairs a child’s ability to pay attention.

 8) Put mobile devices away for most of your time with kids. Talking or tapping on your phone can limit important parent/child conversation and can send a message that you don’t value time with your children.

I know, I know, all easier said than done. As a parent, I can assure you that many days go by when I don’t get these right. But these tips will work best if we don’t make the perfect the enemy of the good. Even if you have a bad week, keep at it. Kids are resilient and they love learning. They can catch up for lost time. Making progress will brighten your child’s future.

Schnur is executive chairman and co-founder of America Achieves. The views expressed are solely his own.

 Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2012/01/17/how-to-unlock-your-childs-academic-potential/#ixzz1jqO2yxnT