Children are adept at demanding what they think they need and it's up to us as adults to help them differentiate between what they want and what they need. What do you think about, "running a benevolent dictatorship"?
YOU DON’T NEED THEIR PERMISSION!
Let me describe a scenario I witnessed
yesterday at the preschool.
A four-year-old arrived a bit late, and
settled into the large group gathering that is part of the beginning morning
ritual. This is a particular four-year-old about whom you have heard before,
one whose Indian name would be She-about-whom-the-world-must-revolve.
A very capable and knowledgeable child,
she began to sing the songs they were practicing for the spring festival, and
then suddenly you could see a thought dawn.
On his way out the door, Dad lingered for
a moment to greet the teacher, and his daughter frantically tried to catch his
eye. Her lip began to quiver and droop, and the face was desperate. Dad glanced
at her, and was sucked right in.
Then followed a mini-drama where he
returned, took her to one side for yet another goodbye, and literally begged
her to let him go. His daughter, by now reveling in her power, was emphatic
that he couldn't yet go.
And so it went, Dad finally dialing on
his cell-phone to postpone an appointment in his office, and his daughter
looking both triumphant and a tad confused. Now let me be clear. This was not a
four-year-old who was in the throes of separation anxiety or having any kind of
personal crisis. This was a child who just wanted to test again her superior
power over one of the adults in her life and discovered, partially to her
discomfort, that she could bend him to her will. This is just plain not good
for kids. The happiest, most secure children in the world know that adults make
the big decisions about what must be done.
I heard a pediatrician using the words
"running a benevolent dictatorship." Benevolent, because we behave
with love, gentleness, and positive interaction, yet a dictatorship because we
know what is best for our lives and for the kids in them. And benevolent
dictators do not have to ask for permission—-they simply act with authority and
without hesitation. So, big people, you do not have to ask for a child's
permission or beg for their acceptance in order to act. You just proceed with
what needs to be done. In this case, if the dad had just sent another cheerful
wave and left for the office, he would have sent several messages to his
daughter:
1. I believe you can handle it.
Self-confidence results from the clear message that the adult is confidently
leaving the child in a safe and nurturing environment; hesitation sends the
opposite message, implying also that the child is not up to it.
2. We each have some power in our
actions. Unfortunately in the scene I described, Dad abdicated all his power in
favor of his daughter. It's a bit scary for kids to feel they have all the
power and adults have none, yet that is what asking them for permission to go
on with our lives implies. The power he could have given her is to express her
feelings, but not allow them to control the situation.
3. I am the adult here, and you are the
child; I have my world and you have yours. A more definite leave-taking would
have supported this learning.
So, contrary as it is to contemporary
parenting, consider a benevolent dictatorship as a gift to your children.
© Growing Child 2011 Please feel free to
forward this article to a friend.
