Sibling Rivalry

Siblings get along with each other all of the time, some of the time, or none of the time. Here are some ideas to improve sibling relationships.

Sibling Rivalry
My children have trouble getting along. How can I help them?
No matter how hard you try to keep the peace, your children are likely to fight over toys, tattle on one another, and tease and criticize each other. Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. Here are some tips on managing conflict between your children.

Remember that each child's needs are different.
Some parents feel it's important to treat their children the same way. Yet children often complain that things are "not fair" and that they are not receiving what the other sibling gets. Treating your children differently doesn't mean you are playing favorites. It's a way of showing that you appreciate how special they are.

While it's natural to notice differences between your children, try not to comment on these in front of them.
It is easy for a child to think that he is not as good or as loved as his sibling when you compare them. Remember, each child is special. Let each one know that.

As much as possible, stay out of your children's arguments.
While you may have to help younger children find ways to settle their differences, do not take sides. If your children try to involve you, explain that they need to figure out how to get along. Of course, you must get involved if the situation gets violent. Make sure your children know that such behavior is not allowed. If there is any reason to suspect that your children may become violent, watch them closely when they are together. Preventing violence is always better than punishing after the fact, which often makes the rivalry worse. Praise your children when they solve their arguments, and reward good behavior.

Be fair.
If you must get involved in your children's arguments, listen to all sides of the story. Also, give children privileges that are right for their ages and try to be consistent. If you allowed one child to stay up until 9:00 pm at 10 years of age, the other should have the same bedtime when he is 10.

Respect your child's privacy.
If it is necessary to punish or scold, do it with the child alone in a quiet, private place. Do not embarrass your child by scolding him in front of the others.

Family meetings can be a great way to work out sibling issues.
Some parents find that sharing some of their own experiences about growing up can help too. Just listening to your children can also help. Remember, this is their opportunity to learn about the give-and-take of human relationships.

Types of Sibling Relationships
Almost 80% of children grow up with at least one brother or sister. Brothers and sisters teach each other how to get along with others. Even if they do not always get along with each other, siblings play very positive roles in each other's lives.

Read on to learn more about how siblings get along the way they do and how you can help them learn to live together in peace.

What is a sibling?
In today's world there are many types of families. Besides the traditional mother-and-father family, children are being raised by grandparents, other relatives, foster parents, single parents, or same-sex parents. As a result, brothers and sisters come in many forms.

• Traditional siblings are brothers and sisters with the same mother and father.
• Half siblings share either the same mother or the same father.
• Stepsiblings are brothers and sisters who are not related biologically, but whose parents are married to each other. No matter what type of siblings they are, their relationships with each other are important.

Why siblings get along the way they do
Many things affect relationships between brothers and sisters. Some of these are:

Personality
Parents often wonder how children from the same parents growing up in the same home can be so different. In fact, siblings are sometimes more different than alike. Even if siblings are alike in some ways, it is important for parents to recognize the unique personality of each of their children.

Age
Children of different ages behave differently. For example, younger children may fight in more physical ways. As they get older, their fighting may be more like arguments.

Gender
Gender affects relationships as well. Many parents find that children of the same sex compete with each other more than do opposite-sex children.

Family size, spacing, and birth order
No two children view the family the same way. An only child's experience is different from that of a child in a larger family. Children who are less than 2 years apart sometimes have more conflict than children who are spaced further apart.

Source: Sibling Relationships (Copyright © 2007 American Academy of Pediatrics, updated 3/07 and  5/14/2012)

Learning All the While

"Think about the astonishing process of learning in the early years, a process that combines maturation of the nervous system, experiences, language, memory, models, curiosity, motivation, and an individual child's mental capacities."

LEARNING ALL THE WHILE

When I visited a preschool this week, I was reminded about how constant and profound is the learning of the early years.

The teacher was reading a story about sea turtles to the children, and she emphasized the stunningly amazing fact that, after years spent at sea, adult sea turtles return to the beach where they were hatched to lay their eggs.

One little girl in the circle commented quietly, "I knew that."

She didn't say it in a bragging way, or really to anyone else, but rather as a happy confirmation of her knowledge. And I thought, what a lucky child.

Already in her short life some adult had read a book or had a conversation about one of the marvels of our world. She remembered that fact, tucked it away in her little brain, able to be pulled out at will, to fit into her knowledge.

Now wonder along with me at all that your little ones are learning, every hour and every day.

Think about the astonishing process of learning in the early years, a process that combines maturation of the nervous system, experiences, language, memory, models, curiosity, motivation, and an individual child's mental capacities.

By the time the average child goes off to kindergarten, he or she has already mastered control of the body, with skills as varied as swinging from the top of the monkey bars, manipulating scissors and eating utensils, zipping a jacket, and tying shoelaces.

His or her language has developed from making cooing and then babbling sounds to a spoken vocabulary of nearly ten thousand words.

This child can use sentences that follow the grammatical rules of language with such complexities as plurals and past tenses, all to be able to tell a great story or understand how to communicate with others.

There is an astonishing period in language development, around age two or so, when a child hears a word one time, and then later can use it in an appropriate context.

They have also learned the thousands of conventions and niceties of behavior that seem important to the adults around them, and have figured out how to fit into their particular world.

Even more than that, for understanding the world, their brains have categorized knowledge, so that they understand concepts such as:

• Colors ("My favorite color is green," comments Matthew, as he works on a picture).

• Farm animals (Why else would it be so hilarious when Scotty adds an elephant to the singing of Old McDonald?)

• Words that should be sung instead of spoken.

Children are patient when others try to teach them things that may seem meaningless to them, tolerating the lessons about abstractions like letters and numbers.

They are far more excited when they are learning something that catches their interest and imagination: "My cousins live in New Hampshire," confides Merritt. "Did you know that they make maple syrup out of tree stuff? They cook it and cook it."

We sometimes use the phrase "lifelong learner" to refer to those individuals who keep alive the spirit of curiosity and adventure. But I guarantee that you will never again see humans learning so much, so quickly and effortlessly, as when you pay attention to your children's daily accomplishments.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

Potty Training Incentives That Work

Sometimes toddlers need a little motivation for taking the leap from diapers to the big-kid potty chair. Here are some ideas for fun and effective potty training. What has worked for you?

Sticker Chart
Create a day-to-day chart and decorate it with your child's favorite superhero or TV character. After each successful trip to the bathroom, she can place a colorful sticker on the chart.

Potty Log

Purchase (or make from scrapbook paper like we did) a colorful journal and use it to write a personalized story of your child's journey from diapers to fully potty trained. Have your child star as the hero, of course. After each successful trip, add a little to the story with the help of your kiddo.

Coloring Book

Let your child color a drawing after each trip to the bathroom. After he's fully potty trained, you can treasure his art and remember the big achievement.

Books

Books can be incentives in a number of ways. Try one of these ideas to get toddlers reading and potty training:

* Keep a stash of books in the bathroom that are only for use while on the toilet.

* Get your toddler comfortable in bathroom by having him sit on the toilet fully clothed as you read a book. When he's ready, have him sit without the diaper.

* Take a trip to the bookstore and have your child pick out new books, but let him read the special potty books only when going to the bathroom.

Drink & Wet Doll

Buy a potty-training "drink and wet" doll and have your toddler teach her baby how to go to the bathroom. By teaching the doll, she will be potty training herself without even knowing it.

Door Hanger

Make the bathroom a fun space by having your toddler decorate a door hanger and signs with stickers, markers, and puffy paint.

Big-Kid Underwear

Let your kiddo pick out new underwear with bright patterns or favorite TV characters as encouragement, and tell him he's ready to wear them like other big kids. He might want to try the underwear over his diaper first, but the building curiosity can lead to success.

Water Colors

Dye the toilet water with red or blue food coloring -- when he goes potty it will change color to orange or green, turning potty training into a game. As your little boy gets older, he will love this motivation as he learns to aim.

M&Ms

Put a small bowl on the counter to fill with M&Ms, poker chips, or marbles for every victorious potty trip. When the bowl is full, give your child a reward. Your little one will be proud of successful bathroom trips and look forward to a little treat.

Reward Bag

Put several inexpensive toys and stickers into a colorful gift bag. Every time your child uses the toilet, allow him to take one surprise out of the bag.

Personalize the Potty

Using stickers is an easy way to decorate the potty chair. Let your little one place her favorite stickers on the potty -- having a personalized chair will make her more excited to train.

Help from His Lovey

If your child is still attached to his comfort item, let him take that to the potty with him. It will give him a sense of security as he moves into this next big step.

By Brooklyn Presta

Ungrateful Children

Negotiating with children can create a power play with parents. Here are some ideas to minimize the conflict.

Ungrateful Children

"Just once more, Mom! Pleeeease?" My daughter, Stella, 6, was begging me to let her go down the slide again before we left the playground. By itself, the request was no biggie. But the previous slide was supposed to be her last, and I was tired of negotiating. Plus, I felt like I had spent all day dealing with her requests to push the limits: one more chapter in the Junie B. Jones book, five more minutes at a playdate, another Curious George episode, and a cookie even though she already ate an ice pop.

Would she ever be satisfied? "It may drive you crazy, but it's normal for 5- and 6-year-olds to test limits," says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years. "This is when kids become astute at articulating thoughts and negotiating nuances, and they're testing those skills on you."

The good news, Dr. Berman says, is that repeated requests don't mean your child is becoming greedy or selfish. In fact, kids usually outgrow this stage by age 8 or 9. That's little consolation when you're dealing with your child's 100th plea and you're so sick of talking about it that you want to scream. Especially since that's what our child-development experts say not to do. We asked for their best tips on what to try instead.

Make a Deal

Your child is most likely to push the limits that occur on a regular basis, probably when he's having fun or trying to delay something he hates. Use that to your advantage by getting him on board beforehand. So, if your son always asks for one more chapter in his Magic Tree House book at bedtime, while you're eating dinner, decide together how many chapters you'll read. Make him feel invested in the decision by giving him two choices you're okay with -- something like, "Should we read one chapter or two?" Then, even if he asks for one more when you're done, you can say, "You love stories, but remember, you said two chapters at dinner. Maybe tomorrow we can read more," suggests Harvey Karp, M.D., a Parents advisor and creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book.

Put in Your Notice

We all know it's important to give toddlers a lot of early warnings before transitions like leaving a friend's house, but sometimes we forget that older kids need one too. "Even adults need help shifting gears," Dr. Berman says. "If I'm browsing at the bookstore with my husband and all of a sudden he says, 'Okay, let's go. I've had enough,' it's frustrating. I do better if he gives me a ten-minute warning."

Five- and 6-year-olds don't need constant reminders, but warn your child at the halfway point and at least once just before an activity ends. In your reminder, try to anticipate her comeback. So if she usually argues after a game of Candy Land that you have to play one more so she can have a chance to beat you, you could say at the outset, "If I win again, this is still going to be our last game. You can try again next time to beat me."

Feel Their Pain

Even if you make a deal in advance and remind your child of the limit, what should you do if he still pleads for more? Research shows that he'll be more likely to be cooperative -- rather than confrontational -- if you express empathy. For example, before you say no, tell your child you understand his frustration. In other words, when your child spots a toy car and a pack of trading cards and insists, "But I want both of them," your first response should be a calm "I know you do, sweetie."

"Your empathy calms him and helps him get back into a rational, thinking state," says Liann Smith, a parent coach and educator in Seattle. Then you can remind him of the rule, which hopefully you established before you entered the store: "We agreed you could pick out one thing, right?"

Stand Your Ground

Sometimes, no matter how sympathetic you sound, your child won't move on. Maybe it's time to leave a playdate at a friend's house and she starts to whine and beg, coming up with a myriad of reasons she needs more time there. Go ahead and hear out her arguments, Dr. Berman says, and explain your reasoning if necessary. If it becomes clear that she's arguing just for the sake of arguing, put your foot down. That might mean saying, "I'm not going to talk about this anymore" and walking away.

Or try this tip from Hal Runkel, an Atlanta-based therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting: Say, "No, my decision is final,' over and over again, until your child stops arguing. "It's okay to sound like a broken record," Runkel says. "But don't get angry. If you get angry, she'll focus on your behavior instead of focusing on her own."

By Michelle Crouch

Originally published in the January 2011 issue of Parents magazine.

Creating a Caring Community

Success in life has many facets. It's vitally important to feel that we are each a part of a caring community and that our contributions matter whether one is an adult or a child. What do you do to belong in your family and how do you help your children to belong to your caring community?

CREATING A CARING COMMUNITY

The first role defined for teachers of young children in the position statement of the National Association for the Education of Young Children is "to create a caring community of learners."

This phrase popped into my mind recently as I contemplated the news story about the father who shot his daughter's computer because of her (rudely and publicly expressed) complaints about doing her assigned household chores.

When I think of words to describe a family, "a caring community" gives a nice image--people of different ages who live communally, bound by love and caring.

My understanding of community is that we are all in this together, with each of us deriving benefit from the group, as well as making appropriate contributions.

When a child complains bitterly about having to do household chores, it seems that she has failed to gain this understanding, since members of a community understand their responsibilities that are lovingly undertaken to help one another.

Why would this happen? Sometimes parents feel that the definition of their role is to do all the care and maintenance of their children, that this is what a "good" parent would do.

They may underestimate what even very young children can do to help around the house, and decide to postpone such training for later, at which point children may have become habituated to being the privileged drones in the household.

Or parents may discover that it is faster and more effective for them to do small tasks themselves, not realizing what intangible benefits children derive from making contributions that they perceive as meaningful.

Possibly parents are so busy that they do not want to take the time to demonstrate the "how to's" so that children can take responsibility for household chores.

And, in the most telling lack of all, there is no communication about the concept of family as community, with parents helping their children understand that when people love each other, daily life is a series of accommodations and compromises.

When the conversation deteriorates to bickering over whose job it is, this bigger idea of community is absent. Parents modeling cooperation offer a huge lesson here.

Whatever the reason, important life-lessons are lost when children are not included as contributing members of the family community. Let me list some of these life-lessons.

1. Everyone has a job to do, and taking responsibility for doing it well is important for the good of everybody.

2. Sometimes we have to do things just because they need to be done, not because they are particularly enjoyable (although show me a two- or three-year-old who does not get a kick out of wielding a broom or emptying a waste basket!).

3. There is a feeling of satisfaction in fulfilling a responsibility.

4. Often we get the job done first, and then have time for relaxation and pleasure.

Individuals who have learned these lessons are most likely to succeed in school and later life, in relationships and their chosen work life. Beginning early with household tasks and creating a sense of community is the first step to these helpful attitudes.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

From Nagging to Noticing

Does nagging work for you? Do you say the same things over and over again to your children and expect different results?  Try "noticing" and let us know if the results are different. It's worth a try.

From Nagging to Noticing

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Sound Discipline 

Contributed by Melanie Miller, M.Ed.

Ever feel like the nagging parent…? “Why is your backpack still in the hallway?” “Can’t you ever learn to put your dishes in the dishwasher?” “Did you put your bike away?” “How many times do I have tell you…?” “If you make me say it one more time….” And on and on and on!

I’ve heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Nagging reminds me of insanity. We keep repeating ourselves thinking that this time he/she will get it, they’ll finally do what I want them to do! Perhaps if we could listen to ourselves or make a quick video, we might see and hear insanity in action. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results doesn’t get us anywhere and it doesn’t help the relationships we have with our children.

The next time you’re frustrated with what your child hasn’t done, take a deep breath, or two or three, and begin your sentence with “I notice”.
• I notice that your backpack is still in the hallway and someone might trip on it.
• I notice your bike is still outside and it’s starting to get dark.
• I notice your dirty dishes all over the counter and I need the space to start making dinner.

Simply observing what has happened shows faith in your child’s ability to figure out what needs to be done. It also takes the overpowering, lid flipping, and confrontation making emotion out of our interactions with our children. It gives them the space to think for themselves, engage their brain and once again figure out what needs to be done. And, it just sounds so much more respectful, which leads to healthier relationships.

Math at Home

There are so many ways that math can be included in day to day life. Teachable moments are all around us. Counting fingers and toes is a simple way to get to twenty. Add more people and the numbers increase. It's easy to go from there to counting by fives or tens. Find parts of the body that come in pairs. Math is all around us! What math activities do you do with your children?

MATH AT HOME

We hear a lot these days about preparing children for literacy before they go to school.

Parents understand the importance of reading to their children from an early age, getting them excited about the world of books.

You can hardly find a preschool aged child who can't say the alphabet, recognize some key letters ("That says Stop!"), or attempt to print their names.

Equally important to academic success, however, is laying the foundations for understanding math, but this is an area often overlooked.

Now, lest you be tempted to dash out and get some flashcards or purchase a cute math computer game, let me suggest that your daily life with kids offers more than enough math experiences to get them well started.

Indeed, higher math concepts are embedded in simple interactions. Real life experiences make math concepts come alive in ways that flash cards never could.

Even youngest toddlers are casually exposed to the idea of number when you give them two crackers--one for each hand, something every toddler loves—-and count them as you do.

Even sharing becomes easier when you give the child a number of objects and ask her to give half of them to her brother.

Older preschoolers learn to count the number of forks and napkins needed when they set the table; an added bonus is discovering the concept of one-to-one correspondence when they learn to match place settings to chairs.

Counting objects helps children get through errands in the car-—"Let's see how many stoplights on the way to the doctor's office" or "Why don't you count the red cars we pass, and I'll count the blue ones."

Using math talk as part of regular conversation helps children understand concepts of comparison. "Do you need more Cheerios? Here I'll make two piles. Which one is bigger, and which is smaller? Can you make the piles the same?" And so on.

The family height records—-ours are on the sun porch doorway—-help children absorb ideas about size, measurement, and comparison, leading to addition and subtraction as we try to interpret how much each child grew this year.

Calendars are perfect props for math ideas. First, they have lots of numbers, so kids can get familiar with the sequence and appearance of numbers.

Then, they have the capacity to introduce simple subtraction. "How many days left until we go to Grandma's? Yesterday it was six. Let's count and see how many today."

When my children were small, we used to decorate our table with paper chains, with one link to count each day until an anticipated event, like a birthday. We made a ceremony of removing a link each day, and math was being absorbed as well.

Cooking is a complex activity, involving both literacy and math skills. Measuring ingredients helps practice counting again, as well as introduces new math terms, such a half a cup, and one-quarter teaspoon.

Before the cooking begins, trips to the grocery store allow more rehearsal of math skills: "Please choose four oranges for us, and then we will have to get one gallon of milk. The gallon is the biggest container. Which container looks like the biggest one?" Estimating is another important foundational skill.

One last household activity that forms a basis for later math understanding is sorting things—-socks as we fold laundry, similar toys to put away, like shapes to fit inside each other in the pot cupboard, and so on.

You may benefit by wonderfully tidy desk drawers when you ask your youngster to separate all the paper clips, rubber bands, pencils, and markers into separate containers. Classification is a basic math understanding.

Math at home gives your child important foundational knowledge, while involving him/her in your daily routines.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.