"The longer we retain the authoritarian role of sole boss--demanding
unquestioning and unswerving compliance and obedience--the less likely that
they will develop the knowledge and skills to self-regulate their own
actions."
Raising independent children is a challenge.
YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Recently I heard the neighbor's young child turn and say defiantly to her
mother: "You're not the boss of me!"
I hid a smile as I thought back to the many occasions I have heard that same
phrase from countless preschoolers--often four-year-olds--who chafe under
the restrictions of adults.
How to respond to such words? Certainly not with an equal measure of adult
boldness, since that could bring about nothing but a full-scale escalation
of resistance. After all, the very words are triggered by the child's sense
of being powerless against the adult, and call for an authoritative, not
authoritarian, response.
Actually, what is called for is adult recognition of the fact that we really
cannot be the bosses of them, if we have the long-term goal of our children
becoming truly able to control their own lives.
The longer we retain the authoritarian role of sole boss--demanding
unquestioning and unswerving compliance and obedience--the less likely that
they will develop the knowledge and skills to self-regulate their own
actions.
Controlling bosses never share power. They leave their underlings to comply
with resentment at being powerless. Meanwhile, the bosses take no
responsibility for their actions. This is a disastrous formula for future
success in children's lives.
The long, gradual process of developing self-control begins in the early
years. Authoritative parents set a few firm limits, carefully explaining the
reasons that lie behind the limits, in terms a young child can understand.
They help children experience the consequences of not keeping within these
boundaries, either as naturally occurring results or as logically related
actions that must follow their mistaken behavior. This is how children
discover better ways to be their own boss.
Parents also allow children to make some of their own choices, within the
clear parameters of acceptable behavior. For example, the adult has the
right to make the decision that children heading for preschool must be
wearing clothes and suitable shoes, but the child may have the freedom to
select those items on any given day.
Then parents follow up by allowing kids to experience the results of their
decisions, even if they find the clothes uncomfortable for active play.
(This is the time not to take on the told-you-so role, but rather to voice a
calm and neutral observation: "I guess the party shoes don't work so well on
the slide.")
With the combination of clearly understood reasons for limits and
experiencing consequences, as well as having increasing amounts of freedom
to choose courses of action, children become more and more able to become
their own bosses. They become more confident in that role, and parents do as
well.
Incidentally, all of this requires parental awareness of what their role
actually is. Parenting is not about being in control of everything in your
children's lives.
A good parent understands that there are about eighteen years in which to
equip children with the knowledge and skills that will carry them through
the rest of their lives.
Spending too much of this time as boss will mean that your job will never be
done--an unhappy outcome for all.
_____
(c) Growing Child 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Boy Who Wouldn't Share by Mike Reiss
This book is available in our library.
"Most children, by the age of three, understand that expected good behavior
involves allowing others to play with their toys, or also have a cookie. But
understanding and being able to do it, graciously or grudgingly, are two
different things."
THE BOY WHO WOULDN'T SHARE By Mike Reiss, Illustrated by David Caltrow Harper Collins
Normally I stay away from morality tales, feeling that the precious time of
reading to children should not be spoiled by heavy-handed messages. But this
book is irresistible, and if the youngsters also get a message about the
importance of sharing, so be it! The wickedly funny rhymes and comic
illustrations carry the story of how "Edward was a frightful boy who
wouldn't share a single toy."
Patient little sister Claire accepts it all, until Edward has amassed all
his toys into a great heap, even the ones he doesn't really want or need.
But, oh, no! "When Edward's mom came in with fudge, Edward found he couldn't
budge. His mother didn't see him there, and so she gave it all to Claire."
You can almost predict the ending, and I predict that your children will
love the book and get the message. Don't expect, though, that this will
miraculously end all the sibling squabbles over possessions and privileges.
Sharing is hard work.
Most children, by the age of three, understand that expected good behavior
involves allowing others to play with their toys, or also have a cookie. But
understanding and being able to do it, graciously or grudgingly, are two
different things.
The egocentric nature of the young child usually wins out. You can almost
see the warring emotions on their faces: wanting to do the right thing, but
too drawn to the coveted object.
Between siblings, sometimes it is the principle of the thing. Particularly
oldest children have to struggle with their unarticulated sense that this
young usurper has already taken so much from them in the form of parental
attention and affection that they are DARNED if they can have their teddy
bear too! As I'm sure you have already discovered, you can forcefully make a
child share, but this graceless coercion surely only reinforces the child's
sense of unfairness. No, the only final solution is to gradually help the
child see the sense in acting in more generous ways.
So you create opportunities to share, like handing the sharing-challenged
child two cookies and say, "Please take this to your brother." Or saying, "I
need two helpers to carry the two handles of the laundry basket, please."
Such structured situations allow the children to both enjoy the interaction
and discover they feel good about themselves doing it.
Find things that you know the older child has no interest in any more, and
suggest that they offer them to the sibling. Again, the good feelings at
being able to do this will reinforce the concept.
Whenever the child does something even halfway gracious, be sure to take
note and specifically praise the activity: "Thanks for letting Tommy use
your truck. I know he enjoyed using it." Comment on the benefits to sharing:
"When you each have a truck, it's more fun to play, isn't it?"
Model sharing yourself, with other family members or visitors. Remember that
children learn so many important lessons when they see them being practiced
by beloved adults. Remember that learning to share is a process, and expect
lapses along with successes. But expect that this is something children can
learn, and don't allow selfishness to become a habit.
The citizens of our world will appreciate your parental efforts.
_____
(c) Growing Child 2011
"Most children, by the age of three, understand that expected good behavior
involves allowing others to play with their toys, or also have a cookie. But
understanding and being able to do it, graciously or grudgingly, are two
different things."
THE BOY WHO WOULDN'T SHARE By Mike Reiss, Illustrated by David Caltrow Harper Collins
Normally I stay away from morality tales, feeling that the precious time of
reading to children should not be spoiled by heavy-handed messages. But this
book is irresistible, and if the youngsters also get a message about the
importance of sharing, so be it! The wickedly funny rhymes and comic
illustrations carry the story of how "Edward was a frightful boy who
wouldn't share a single toy."
Patient little sister Claire accepts it all, until Edward has amassed all
his toys into a great heap, even the ones he doesn't really want or need.
But, oh, no! "When Edward's mom came in with fudge, Edward found he couldn't
budge. His mother didn't see him there, and so she gave it all to Claire."
You can almost predict the ending, and I predict that your children will
love the book and get the message. Don't expect, though, that this will
miraculously end all the sibling squabbles over possessions and privileges.
Sharing is hard work.
Most children, by the age of three, understand that expected good behavior
involves allowing others to play with their toys, or also have a cookie. But
understanding and being able to do it, graciously or grudgingly, are two
different things.
The egocentric nature of the young child usually wins out. You can almost
see the warring emotions on their faces: wanting to do the right thing, but
too drawn to the coveted object.
Between siblings, sometimes it is the principle of the thing. Particularly
oldest children have to struggle with their unarticulated sense that this
young usurper has already taken so much from them in the form of parental
attention and affection that they are DARNED if they can have their teddy
bear too! As I'm sure you have already discovered, you can forcefully make a
child share, but this graceless coercion surely only reinforces the child's
sense of unfairness. No, the only final solution is to gradually help the
child see the sense in acting in more generous ways.
So you create opportunities to share, like handing the sharing-challenged
child two cookies and say, "Please take this to your brother." Or saying, "I
need two helpers to carry the two handles of the laundry basket, please."
Such structured situations allow the children to both enjoy the interaction
and discover they feel good about themselves doing it.
Find things that you know the older child has no interest in any more, and
suggest that they offer them to the sibling. Again, the good feelings at
being able to do this will reinforce the concept.
Whenever the child does something even halfway gracious, be sure to take
note and specifically praise the activity: "Thanks for letting Tommy use
your truck. I know he enjoyed using it." Comment on the benefits to sharing:
"When you each have a truck, it's more fun to play, isn't it?"
Model sharing yourself, with other family members or visitors. Remember that
children learn so many important lessons when they see them being practiced
by beloved adults. Remember that learning to share is a process, and expect
lapses along with successes. But expect that this is something children can
learn, and don't allow selfishness to become a habit.
The citizens of our world will appreciate your parental efforts.
_____
(c) Growing Child 2011
King of the Playground by Phyllis Naylor
This book is available in our library. "I urge you to get the book to read to your children, whether they are on the giving or receiving end of such playground maneuvers. Kevin's Dad plays such an important role in this whole experience. Rather than getting upset or
involved, he merely asks the questions that lead Kevin to consider what he
could do to respond should a wild threat ever be carried out."
KING OF THE PLAYGROUND By Phyllis Naylor, Atheneum, New York, 1991
Too frequently these days we hear parents and teachers discussing bullying,
even cyber-bullying, with often-tragic results.
What we should consider is that preschoolers and primary-aged children have
always struggled with concepts of power and strength over others, and how to
respond when another tries to exert it over them.
This book explores the dilemma Kevin feels when he encounters Sammy on the
playground. Even though Kevin wants to go down the slide headfirst, Sammy
firmly asserts that Kevin can't come in, as Sammy is King of the Playground.
His bold threats of what he will do if he sees Kevin on the slide sends
Kevin home. When he tells his father what Sammy said if he went on the slide
(Sammy would get a rope and tie up his hands and feet so tight he would
never get loose) Dad's response is perfect: "Wow. Really? And what would you
be doing while Sammy was tying you up? Just sitting there?"
After a few such encounters, and with Dad's questions helping Kevin come up
with real solutions, Kevin feels sufficiently emboldened to face Sammy down
on the playground.
When Sammy threatens to put Kevin in a cage with bears in it, Kevin calmly
continues to come into the sandbox, saying, "Then I'll ride on their backs
and teach them tricks."
With increasingly far-fetched threats and creative solutions, Kevin feels
strong enough to sit down and begin to play. I won't spoil the ending, but
will tell you that both boys learn something about themselves and others.
I urge you to get the book to read to your children, whether they are on the
giving or receiving end of such playground maneuvers. Kevin's Dad plays such
an important role in this whole experience. Rather than getting upset or
involved, he merely asks the questions that lead Kevin to consider what he
could do to respond should a wild threat ever be carried out.
When Kevin came up with his answer, Dad responded, "Sure, that's one thing
you could do," and left him to go back to face Sammy with the strength of
his own idea. In this time of hyper-parenting, such a by-stander role often
does not occur to parents.
When a similar playground power struggle erupted recently among some
four-year-old girls, the mother of one immediately called the mother of the
instigator and told her she had to stop her daughter from saying such mean
things to the other children.
She then called the other mothers and got them to agree to tell their
children to boycott the offender.
Needless to say, none of the children learned any new social skills from
this, nor did they develop any strategies for dealing with such future
occurrences-a lose-lose situation. A healthy outcome is for everyone to
learn that naked power is an unhealthy way to interact, and that abject fear
never gets a person anywhere.
To accomplish this, children need to be guided to consider possible
responses that can often be creative and imaginative, and are within their
power to carry out.
Strengthening children to face up to difficult situations is a parent's best
task.
Remember, you won't be there every time your child runs into the King of the
Playground--or the office, or the neighborhood.
_____
(c) Growing Child 2011
involved, he merely asks the questions that lead Kevin to consider what he
could do to respond should a wild threat ever be carried out."
KING OF THE PLAYGROUND By Phyllis Naylor, Atheneum, New York, 1991
Too frequently these days we hear parents and teachers discussing bullying,
even cyber-bullying, with often-tragic results.
What we should consider is that preschoolers and primary-aged children have
always struggled with concepts of power and strength over others, and how to
respond when another tries to exert it over them.
This book explores the dilemma Kevin feels when he encounters Sammy on the
playground. Even though Kevin wants to go down the slide headfirst, Sammy
firmly asserts that Kevin can't come in, as Sammy is King of the Playground.
His bold threats of what he will do if he sees Kevin on the slide sends
Kevin home. When he tells his father what Sammy said if he went on the slide
(Sammy would get a rope and tie up his hands and feet so tight he would
never get loose) Dad's response is perfect: "Wow. Really? And what would you
be doing while Sammy was tying you up? Just sitting there?"
After a few such encounters, and with Dad's questions helping Kevin come up
with real solutions, Kevin feels sufficiently emboldened to face Sammy down
on the playground.
When Sammy threatens to put Kevin in a cage with bears in it, Kevin calmly
continues to come into the sandbox, saying, "Then I'll ride on their backs
and teach them tricks."
With increasingly far-fetched threats and creative solutions, Kevin feels
strong enough to sit down and begin to play. I won't spoil the ending, but
will tell you that both boys learn something about themselves and others.
I urge you to get the book to read to your children, whether they are on the
giving or receiving end of such playground maneuvers. Kevin's Dad plays such
an important role in this whole experience. Rather than getting upset or
involved, he merely asks the questions that lead Kevin to consider what he
could do to respond should a wild threat ever be carried out.
When Kevin came up with his answer, Dad responded, "Sure, that's one thing
you could do," and left him to go back to face Sammy with the strength of
his own idea. In this time of hyper-parenting, such a by-stander role often
does not occur to parents.
When a similar playground power struggle erupted recently among some
four-year-old girls, the mother of one immediately called the mother of the
instigator and told her she had to stop her daughter from saying such mean
things to the other children.
She then called the other mothers and got them to agree to tell their
children to boycott the offender.
Needless to say, none of the children learned any new social skills from
this, nor did they develop any strategies for dealing with such future
occurrences-a lose-lose situation. A healthy outcome is for everyone to
learn that naked power is an unhealthy way to interact, and that abject fear
never gets a person anywhere.
To accomplish this, children need to be guided to consider possible
responses that can often be creative and imaginative, and are within their
power to carry out.
Strengthening children to face up to difficult situations is a parent's best
task.
Remember, you won't be there every time your child runs into the King of the
Playground--or the office, or the neighborhood.
_____
(c) Growing Child 2011
The Sad Misuse of Self-esteem
Your challenge is to help your children understand how self-esteem develops. Much of your parenting should be devoted to helping your children develop this healthy self-esteem rather than the false self-esteem that is epidemic in our society. You must allow your children to experience this connection-both success and failure-in all areas of their lives, including school, sports, the performing arts, relationships, family responsibilities, and other activities. Your children's essential need to have these experiences will require you to eschew the culture of victimization that pervades modern society. You must give your children the opportunity to develop real self-esteem so they can fully experience all aspects of life, including the failures and disappointments as well as the accomplishments and joys.
Parenting: The Sad Misuse of Self-esteem
Do your kids have real self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the most misunderstood and misused developmental factor of the past thirty years. Child-rearing experts in the early 1970s decided that all of the efforts of our society should be devoted to helping children build self-esteem. I couldn't agree more. Children with high self-esteem have been found to perform better in school and sports, have better relationships, and have lower rates of problem behavior.
The Wrong Message About Self-Esteem
Unfortunately, these same experts told parents that the best way to develop self-esteem was to ensure that children always felt good about themselves. Parents were told to love and praise and reinforce and reward and encourage their children no matter what they did. Unfortunately, this approach created children who were selfish, spoiled, and entitled.
Parents were also led to believe that they had to be sure that their children never felt bad about themselves because it would hurt their self-esteem. So parents did everything they could to protect their children from anything that might create bad feelings. Parents didn't scold their children when they misbehaved. Parents didn't discipline their children when they didn't give their best effort in school. In sum, parents didn't hold their children accountable for their actions, particularly if they made mistakes or failed-"Gosh, that would just hurt my little one's self-esteem!"
Schools and communities bought into this misguided attempt at building self-esteem by "protecting" children from feeling bad about themselves. For example, school grading systems were changed. I remember between sixth and seventh grade my middle school replaced F for failure with NI (Needs Improvement). God forbid I'd feel bad about myself for failing at something! Sports eliminated scoring, winners, and losers in the belief that losing would hurt children's self-esteem. My four-year-old niece came home one day from a soccer tournament with a ribbon that said "#1-Winner" on it. When I asked her what she did to deserve such a wonderful prize, she said that everyone got one! Though Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of success is just showing up, it's the last 10 percent-the part that requires hard work, discipline, patience, and perseverance-that true success is all about. Children are being led to believe that, like Woody Allen's view, they can become successful and feel good about themselves just for showing up. But showing up is just not enough in today's demanding society. By rewarding children just for showing up, they aren't learning what it really takes to become successful and showing up definitely won't build self-esteem.
The supposed benefit of this mentality is that children's self-esteem is protected. If children aren't responsible for all of the bad things that happen to them, then they can't feel bad about themselves and their self-esteem won't be hurt. This belief has been bolstered by the culture of victimization in which we live-"It's not my fault, it's not my kid's fault. But someone has to be held responsible and we're going to sue them." In its poorly conceived attempt to protect children's self-esteem, our society caused the very thing that it took such pains to prevent-children with low self-esteem, no sense of responsibility, and the emotional and behavioral problems that go with it.
Of course children need to feel loved and protected. This sense of security allows them to feel comfortable venturing out to explore their world. But we have gone way too far in protecting our children from life's harsh realities. In fact, with this preoccupation with protecting our children, those so-called parenting experts neglected to tell parents about the other, equally important contributor to mature and healthy self-esteem.
The Missing Piece of Self-esteem
The second part of self-esteem that those parenting experts forgot to mention to parents is that children need to develop a sense of ownership of their actions, that their actions matter, that their actions have consequences; "If I do good things, good things happen, if I do bad things, bad things happen, and if I do nothing, nothing happens." The antithesis of this approach is the spoiled child; whether they do good, bad, or nothing, they get what they want. Unfortunately, without this sense of ownership, children are thoroughly unprepared for the adulthood because in the real world our actions do have consequences.
This sense of ownership, and the self-esteem that accompanies it, is two sides of the same coin. If children don't take ownership of their mistakes and failures, they can't have ownership of their successes and achievements. And without that ownership, children can't ever really feel good about themselves or experience the meaning, satisfaction, and joy of owning their efforts. Also, without the willingness to take ownership, children are truly victims; they're powerless to change the bad things that might happen to them. With a sense of ownership, children learn that when things are not going well, they have the power to make changes in their lives for the better.
The goal is to raise children with both components of real self-esteem, in which they not only feel loved and valued, but also have that highly developed sense of ownership. Yes, they're going to feel bad when they make mistakes and fail. But you want your children to feel bad when they screw up! How else are they going to learn what not to do and what they need to do to do better in the future? But, contrary to popular belief, these experiences will build, not hurt, their self-esteem. By allowing them to take ownership of their lives-achievements and missteps alike-your children gain the ability to change the bad experiences, and create and savor the good experiences.
Developing Real Self-esteem
Your challenge is to help your children understand how self-esteem develops. Much of your parenting should be devoted to helping your children develop this healthy self-esteem rather than the false self-esteem that is epidemic in our society. You must allow your children to experience this connection-both success and failure-in all areas of their lives, including school, sports, the performing arts, relationships, family responsibilities, and other activities. Your children's essential need to have these experiences will require you to eschew the culture of victimization that pervades modern society. You must give your children the opportunity to develop real self-esteem so they can fully experience all aspects of life, including the failures and disappointments as well as the accomplishments and joys.
Recommendations for Building Self-esteem
The Wrong Message About Self-Esteem
Unfortunately, these same experts told parents that the best way to develop self-esteem was to ensure that children always felt good about themselves. Parents were told to love and praise and reinforce and reward and encourage their children no matter what they did. Unfortunately, this approach created children who were selfish, spoiled, and entitled.
Parents were also led to believe that they had to be sure that their children never felt bad about themselves because it would hurt their self-esteem. So parents did everything they could to protect their children from anything that might create bad feelings. Parents didn't scold their children when they misbehaved. Parents didn't discipline their children when they didn't give their best effort in school. In sum, parents didn't hold their children accountable for their actions, particularly if they made mistakes or failed-"Gosh, that would just hurt my little one's self-esteem!"
Schools and communities bought into this misguided attempt at building self-esteem by "protecting" children from feeling bad about themselves. For example, school grading systems were changed. I remember between sixth and seventh grade my middle school replaced F for failure with NI (Needs Improvement). God forbid I'd feel bad about myself for failing at something! Sports eliminated scoring, winners, and losers in the belief that losing would hurt children's self-esteem. My four-year-old niece came home one day from a soccer tournament with a ribbon that said "#1-Winner" on it. When I asked her what she did to deserve such a wonderful prize, she said that everyone got one! Though Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of success is just showing up, it's the last 10 percent-the part that requires hard work, discipline, patience, and perseverance-that true success is all about. Children are being led to believe that, like Woody Allen's view, they can become successful and feel good about themselves just for showing up. But showing up is just not enough in today's demanding society. By rewarding children just for showing up, they aren't learning what it really takes to become successful and showing up definitely won't build self-esteem.
The supposed benefit of this mentality is that children's self-esteem is protected. If children aren't responsible for all of the bad things that happen to them, then they can't feel bad about themselves and their self-esteem won't be hurt. This belief has been bolstered by the culture of victimization in which we live-"It's not my fault, it's not my kid's fault. But someone has to be held responsible and we're going to sue them." In its poorly conceived attempt to protect children's self-esteem, our society caused the very thing that it took such pains to prevent-children with low self-esteem, no sense of responsibility, and the emotional and behavioral problems that go with it.
Of course children need to feel loved and protected. This sense of security allows them to feel comfortable venturing out to explore their world. But we have gone way too far in protecting our children from life's harsh realities. In fact, with this preoccupation with protecting our children, those so-called parenting experts neglected to tell parents about the other, equally important contributor to mature and healthy self-esteem.
The Missing Piece of Self-esteem
The second part of self-esteem that those parenting experts forgot to mention to parents is that children need to develop a sense of ownership of their actions, that their actions matter, that their actions have consequences; "If I do good things, good things happen, if I do bad things, bad things happen, and if I do nothing, nothing happens." The antithesis of this approach is the spoiled child; whether they do good, bad, or nothing, they get what they want. Unfortunately, without this sense of ownership, children are thoroughly unprepared for the adulthood because in the real world our actions do have consequences.
This sense of ownership, and the self-esteem that accompanies it, is two sides of the same coin. If children don't take ownership of their mistakes and failures, they can't have ownership of their successes and achievements. And without that ownership, children can't ever really feel good about themselves or experience the meaning, satisfaction, and joy of owning their efforts. Also, without the willingness to take ownership, children are truly victims; they're powerless to change the bad things that might happen to them. With a sense of ownership, children learn that when things are not going well, they have the power to make changes in their lives for the better.
The goal is to raise children with both components of real self-esteem, in which they not only feel loved and valued, but also have that highly developed sense of ownership. Yes, they're going to feel bad when they make mistakes and fail. But you want your children to feel bad when they screw up! How else are they going to learn what not to do and what they need to do to do better in the future? But, contrary to popular belief, these experiences will build, not hurt, their self-esteem. By allowing them to take ownership of their lives-achievements and missteps alike-your children gain the ability to change the bad experiences, and create and savor the good experiences.
Developing Real Self-esteem
Your challenge is to help your children understand how self-esteem develops. Much of your parenting should be devoted to helping your children develop this healthy self-esteem rather than the false self-esteem that is epidemic in our society. You must allow your children to experience this connection-both success and failure-in all areas of their lives, including school, sports, the performing arts, relationships, family responsibilities, and other activities. Your children's essential need to have these experiences will require you to eschew the culture of victimization that pervades modern society. You must give your children the opportunity to develop real self-esteem so they can fully experience all aspects of life, including the failures and disappointments as well as the accomplishments and joys.
Recommendations for Building Self-esteem
- Love them regardless of how they perform.
- Give them opportunities to demonstrate their competence.
- Focus on areas over which they have control (e.g., their efforts rather than results).
- Encourage your children to take appropriate risks.
- Allow your children to experience failure and then help them learn its essential lessons.
- Set expectations for their behavior.
- Demand accountability.
- Have consequences for bad behavior.
- Include them in decision making
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