"The longer we retain the authoritarian role of sole boss--demanding
unquestioning and unswerving compliance and obedience--the less likely that
they will develop the knowledge and skills to self-regulate their own
actions."


Raising independent children is a challenge.


YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Recently I heard the neighbor's young child turn and say defiantly to her
mother: "You're not the boss of me!"

I hid a smile as I thought back to the many occasions I have heard that same
phrase from countless preschoolers--often four-year-olds--who chafe under
the restrictions of adults.

How to respond to such words? Certainly not with an equal measure of adult
boldness, since that could bring about nothing but a full-scale escalation
of resistance. After all, the very words are triggered by the child's sense
of being powerless against the adult, and call for an authoritative, not
authoritarian, response.

Actually, what is called for is adult recognition of the fact that we really
cannot be the bosses of them, if we have the long-term goal of our children
becoming truly able to control their own lives. 

The longer we retain the authoritarian role of sole boss--demanding
unquestioning and unswerving compliance and obedience--the less likely that
they will develop the knowledge and skills to self-regulate their own
actions.

Controlling bosses never share power. They leave their underlings to comply
with resentment at being powerless. Meanwhile, the bosses take no
responsibility for their actions. This is a disastrous formula for future
success in children's lives.

The long, gradual process of developing self-control begins in the early
years. Authoritative parents set a few firm limits, carefully explaining the
reasons that lie behind the limits, in terms a young child can understand. 

They help children experience the consequences of not keeping within these
boundaries, either as naturally occurring results or as logically related
actions that must follow their mistaken behavior. This is how children
discover better ways to be their own boss. 

Parents also allow children to make some of their own choices, within the
clear parameters of acceptable behavior. For example, the adult has the
right to make the decision that children heading for preschool must be
wearing clothes and suitable shoes, but the child may have the freedom to
select those items on any given day. 

Then parents follow up by allowing kids to experience the results of their
decisions, even if they find the clothes uncomfortable for active play.
(This is the time not to take on the told-you-so role, but rather to voice a
calm and neutral observation: "I guess the party shoes don't work so well on
the slide.")

With the combination of clearly understood reasons for limits and
experiencing consequences, as well as having increasing amounts of freedom
to choose courses of action, children become more and more able to become
their own bosses. They become more confident in that role, and parents do as
well.

Incidentally, all of this requires parental awareness of what their role
actually is. Parenting is not about being in control of everything in your
children's lives. 

A good parent understands that there are about eighteen years in which to
equip children with the knowledge and skills that will carry them through
the rest of their lives. 

Spending too much of this time as boss will mean that your job will never be
done--an unhappy outcome for all. 

  _____  

(c) Growing Child 2011