DON’T SQUEAL UNLESS IT’S A BIG DEAL

 

DON’T SQUEAL UNLESS IT’S A BIG DEAL   By Jeanie Ransom, Magination Press, 2006   Perhaps one of the most annoying things that children do is tattle. Guaranteed to drive parents and teachers crazy, the tattler may be motivated by wanting to look like "the good child," or to be appreciated as helpful, to get back at another child, especially a bigger sibling, or even to just get some attention. Tattletales become distinctly unattractive to other children, who won't play with someone who commonly says, "I'm telling!" One of our goals with children is to help them learn how to solve problems on their own, while encouraging them to use adult assistance when they really need to. This humorous book, for preschoolers and primary grade children, tells the story of nineteen students in Mrs. McNeal's class, all of whom were tattletales. After the teacher's patience has worn out, she decides to add a new rule for the class—Don't Squeal unless it's a Big Deal, explaining that most problems that happen between kids are kid-sized problems that they can work out for themselves, usually by talking, listening, and helping each other. When something happens, however, that's bigger than a kid-sized problem, like when someone is hurt or in danger, or when a person is hurting them or has something that doesn't belong to the individual, it's an emergency, and that's when it's okay to get help from the grownup. The story gives children a chance to practice the new rule, and they learn firsthand when squealing is a good idea. Often adults mistakenly assume that ignoring tattling is the best approach, or they may simply cut it off, saying, "I don't want to hear any more about this. Your job is to worry about you." These tactics are usually not very effective, as children need to learn skills and strategies to handle small problems on their own, and to distinguish them from the big stuff. An experienced preschool teacher friend tells me that she usually acknowledges children's tattles with a simple, "Thank you." This doesn't commit herself to any course of action, but does recognize the child's awareness of a rule, of learning right from wrong, and may be enough to remind the child that (s)he can handle it. If the child still seems disturbed, she asks, "Was he getting hurt? Was anyone else getting hurt? Was anything being broken?" and so on, to help the child sort out the issue. After this, she may prompt with, "Is there something you could do about solving that problem for yourself?" With youngest children, adults may need to respond by teaching specific steps to take when someone annoys them, such as talking to other children directly about how the behavior makes them feel or what they need, walking away from the problem or finding alternative toys or activities. It may also be important to give support in the beginning while children try out these strategies, such as "I'm going to help you tell your sister instead of telling me about it." Learning to distinguish between big deal and small-sized problems and what to do about each is an important lesson that will last a lifetime. © Growing Child 2013

 

Keeping Up With the Jones Kids

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES KIDS In a recent essay, Anna Quindlen comments that, in this generation, keeping up with the Joneses has turned into keeping up with the Joneses' kids. Whose mothers, she goes on, all lie. Goodness knows everybody in the world realizes that Americans are competitive--my Canadian relatives kid me about this. But recently parenting itself has turned into a cut-throat sport, wisely not yet recognized by the International Olympic committee. No doubt parental comparisons arise from the basic insecurities that go along with the role, as parents eye one another's accomplishments to get ideas as well as validate their own job performance. Unfortunately, comparisons can quickly lead to attempts to edge ahead in some sort of undeclared race for which the only entrance qualification is having given birth. Child development researchers would be the first to proclaim that the milestones of childhood are just some sort of huge mathematical averages, that there would unlikely be a child anywhere whose development would conform to the patterns proclaimed in the books. What's more, moving through those milestones faster than other kids is not a guaranteed door to success in life. But it's not just who can do what first, when it comes to playground comparisons. Some moms want to make sure that their offspring have the most educational and enrichment opportunities, the best brand name stuff, and the most friends for play dates and birthday parties. Pressure to have their kid at the top of every list seems to be the major preoccupation of many parents. And for what? Parental pressure directed towards keeping up with the Joneses' kids is actually not good for your kids. Medical professionals note increasing amounts of stress in even the youngest children. Children are quick to pick up on their parents' anxieties, and soon become involved in competitive interaction with others as well, feeling increasingly nervous, rather than self-confident. Childhood is the time to develop a positive self-image that will allow kids to move ahead feeling both valued and capable. That self-image grows shaky when children perceive that feedback from parents often conveys a message that they should be striving to do better, so they can be equal to some Jones kid or other. My guess is that most parents today are enlightened enough not to make the competition as overt as in, "Why can't you be as good at soccer as Sally Jones?" Nevertheless, your comments and attention are duly noted and internalized. So how do we kick the habit of keeping up with the Jones kids? • Focus less on those Jones kids, and directly on our own. We appreciate their unique strengths, interests, and abilities. • Loosen the bonds of merchandising tyranny. These means helping our kids and ourselves realize that money spent on accumulating more brand-name stuff is money that can never be spent on more meaningful family experiences. • Remove ourselves from the playground gamesmanship of the Jones moms and focus on how our children, with their unique talents and abilities, are best encouraged and supported as they grow and develop. Most days the challenge is keeping up with our own kids! © Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.

Visiting Martians

Here is a unique way to ease children into unfamiliar situations.

 

VISITING MARTIANS

Lisa started at the preschool last week. Her parents had just moved to the community, so within the last few weeks, she had left one home and was getting accustomed to another. She had been in a different preschool at her former home too.

I met Lisa on her fourth day of school. Her eyes were wide, as she participated in the classroom routine in the three-year-old room and followed the teacher's lead.

During circle time, with stories, songs, and games, she refused all opportunities to speak. With each mute response, the teacher redoubled her efforts, becoming quite focused on getting Lisa to speak, all to no avail.

The teacher's anxiety was conveyed to the other children, so they began to ask, "Why doesn't she talk?" Lisa herself looked increasingly uncomfortable.

When I left at the end of the morning, the teacher pulled me aside and wondered what she should do about Lisa. My advice was to treat her as a distinguished visiting Martian.

I had to explain what I meant. Here is a child who has just entered a strange new world, much as if an alien descended from a space ship. She is trying to figure out the customs and habits of life in this new place.

What better way to do it than to observe without having to participate? By participating she opens herself up to the risk of appearing alien, so better to sit back and figure out this brave new world.

In a rush to fit the child into the classroom, there was no recognition of the time an individual needs to acclimatate.

If we really did have a distinguished visiting Martian in our midst, we would be reluctant to call attention to the fact that she hadn't yet figured out our ways, so we would continue with normal practices, perhaps gently demonstrating or quietly explaining them as we went along.

Any clues we could give would help the Martian think, "Aha! So that's what they're doing and why they're doing it!"

Such information would be subtle, not calling attention to the fact that the newcomer didn't get it, so the distinguished visitor would not be embarrassed.

We would convey an implicit message of welcome rather than censure, so that the visitor would not feel stressed in addition to uncertain. Others in the environment would pick up on our cues, and would continue calmly, without undue attention to the newcomer.

This is a distinguished visitor, so we would be focused on her needs, rather than focusing on keeping our world running smoothly. We would be sensitive to her clues about readiness for fitting in, and follow her lead.

Notice that much of this was different from the initial classroom experience, indeed from the usual way we treat children entering a new experience, trying quickly to mold them into our ways, so that we have the least disruption to the routine.

Try imagining children to be distinguished visiting Martians to ease the way for them to become comfortable in our new world.

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© Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.