Keeping Up With the Jones Kids

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES KIDS In a recent essay, Anna Quindlen comments that, in this generation, keeping up with the Joneses has turned into keeping up with the Joneses' kids. Whose mothers, she goes on, all lie. Goodness knows everybody in the world realizes that Americans are competitive--my Canadian relatives kid me about this. But recently parenting itself has turned into a cut-throat sport, wisely not yet recognized by the International Olympic committee. No doubt parental comparisons arise from the basic insecurities that go along with the role, as parents eye one another's accomplishments to get ideas as well as validate their own job performance. Unfortunately, comparisons can quickly lead to attempts to edge ahead in some sort of undeclared race for which the only entrance qualification is having given birth. Child development researchers would be the first to proclaim that the milestones of childhood are just some sort of huge mathematical averages, that there would unlikely be a child anywhere whose development would conform to the patterns proclaimed in the books. What's more, moving through those milestones faster than other kids is not a guaranteed door to success in life. But it's not just who can do what first, when it comes to playground comparisons. Some moms want to make sure that their offspring have the most educational and enrichment opportunities, the best brand name stuff, and the most friends for play dates and birthday parties. Pressure to have their kid at the top of every list seems to be the major preoccupation of many parents. And for what? Parental pressure directed towards keeping up with the Joneses' kids is actually not good for your kids. Medical professionals note increasing amounts of stress in even the youngest children. Children are quick to pick up on their parents' anxieties, and soon become involved in competitive interaction with others as well, feeling increasingly nervous, rather than self-confident. Childhood is the time to develop a positive self-image that will allow kids to move ahead feeling both valued and capable. That self-image grows shaky when children perceive that feedback from parents often conveys a message that they should be striving to do better, so they can be equal to some Jones kid or other. My guess is that most parents today are enlightened enough not to make the competition as overt as in, "Why can't you be as good at soccer as Sally Jones?" Nevertheless, your comments and attention are duly noted and internalized. So how do we kick the habit of keeping up with the Jones kids? • Focus less on those Jones kids, and directly on our own. We appreciate their unique strengths, interests, and abilities. • Loosen the bonds of merchandising tyranny. These means helping our kids and ourselves realize that money spent on accumulating more brand-name stuff is money that can never be spent on more meaningful family experiences. • Remove ourselves from the playground gamesmanship of the Jones moms and focus on how our children, with their unique talents and abilities, are best encouraged and supported as they grow and develop. Most days the challenge is keeping up with our own kids! © Growing Child 2013 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.