How To Relax -- A Lesson For Moms

How To Relax -- A Lesson For Moms    

'Tis officially the season and that means lots of things for moms out there: shopping, wrapping, donating, cookie baking, memory-making... so I am here to add another thing to your list: relaxing. You heard me right; rest is a requirement amidst the chaos. And the good news is that you have every right to put it at the top of your wish list -- and gift it to yourself. Here's how:

1. Give yourself permission. If you don't give yourself a break (pun intended), why would anybody else? If you can legitimately find 10, 20, 60 minutes to sit and indulge in nothing useful, you need to give yourself a stamp of approval and do it. On most Saturday afternoons while our baby naps, we take "family quiet time." My daughter (now 5 1/2) won't nap, but finds a way to occupy herself while my husband and I nap, read, write, whatever. We tell ourselves -- and her -- that we are taking some time to relax and she has learned to respect that and find her own way to wind down. If we didn't claim it, do you think she would offer it up? Ya... no.
2. Let things wait. Yes, there may be dirty dishes in the sink. There may be laundry to fold. There may be a holiday dinner menu to plan. But guess what -- it will all still be there in 30 minutes. I am not racing against time to win an award in domesticity, but I am racing the clock when it comes to personal stress, health and well-being. So if I choose to flip through a magazine now and let the dust sit just a little while longer, I am ok with that.
3. Don't worry about the kids. They won't die. I mean, obviously once the food, water and sleep stuff is taken care of. But seriously, they don't need you on top of them 24/7. I promise. Even my son, who is not quite 2, can hang on his own for a surprisingly long period of time, as long as I let him... he knows where to find me if he needs me, he's usually just sitting a few feet away, but if I take a pause from constantly entertaining and stimulating his brain and instead focus on relaxing mine instead, he can do it on his own.
4. Partner up. This is a very important step. You and your husband/partner/significant other must be willing to work together on this. It will be rare that you both get time to chill together (our Saturday afternoon ritual is a happy exception) so you need to be willing to take turns. We give each other alternate days to "sleep" in (if that's what you call it when two kids are stomping around outside your bedroom door). If I take a morning to go to workout or shop, he takes the next morning to surf, and so on.
5. Have a drink. It can be chardonnay, it can be café au lait... just indulge in something that indulges your senses. That forces you to pause and enjoy and relish the moment. To focus on the "task" at hand, to give yourself a much-deserved treat and to feed your soul for a moment while you're not busy feeding a hungry mouth. And then... have another.

By Raluca State
   

The Secure Base

John Bowlby, a British psychologist whose thinking and research laid the foundations for attachment theory, once made the statement that "life is best organized as a series of daring adventures from a secure base."

This offers an engaging image of the parent-child relationship. Think of it as a dance in which the partners have to be acutely tuned in to the slightest movement of each other in order to maintain a graceful balance.

The early part of the dance is all about creating the secure base. In infancy, parental ability to read baby cues and respond predictably supports the development of trust, an underlying security that the world is a good place, and there are familiar, predictable people in it who care for the baby.

This secure base is the safe zone, to which children will return again and again for renewal and reassurance throughout their developing years, indeed for their whole lives.

As these early attachments flourish, a positive foundation is laid for all development that will follow. And this development comes partly as a result of that "series of daring adventures."

Children cannot remain long at any one stage of behavior and accomplishment; the human childhood is long, but not long enough for them to get stuck, and it requires new experiences and efforts for them to move on, interspersed with a return to the comfort of the safe and familiar.

Toddlerhood is a time when parents have to be ever alert to the changing nature of the parent-child relationship—-the dance steps change.

After months of being inside the comfortable cocoon where parents and children are quite focused on each other, the little one discovers there is a great world out there to be explored and conquered.

Before most parents realize it, their youngsters are pulling away, trying to establish themselves as separate beings. They take courageous steps, often literally launching themselves into space.

They bump up against other small explorers, often wounding their feelings and sense of self, and perhaps most adventurous of all, they pull away from the very adults who are the source of their security. Watch a toddler entering a challenging new situation, and you will see illustrated this notion of "daring adventures from a secure base."

Often staying physically close to the parent who exemplifies the secure base, when they do venture forth, they occasionally glance back to make sure that security is within reach. Farther and farther they go, until they are able to remain distant and on their own for longer periods.

The same dance will happen with the next daring adventures, whether moving within the neighborhood, to school, to overnight stays, and so on. Parents of college age children will be able to describe the ways their kids come back to the secure base.

One more comment about this: The secure base is somewhere to go back to. If parents insist on being so involved in their children's lives at any stage from toddlerhood on that they are going along to smooth the way for them, the adventures become less daring, as there is no distance.

Secure bases don't move; they truly are foundations.

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© Growing Child 2012 Please feel free to forward this article to a friend.