Something has shifted in the
world of parent-child relations, and I'm not quite sure when it happened.
Within the last couple of months, I've had no fewer than three moms tell me that they are "best friends" with their preschool children. (I haven't yet heard this from dads, which is why I am making these comments mom-centered.)
When I ask them what this means, the response is something like, "There's nobody I'd rather hang out with." I hesitate, thinking that I am delighted that parents love their children deeply, and want to spend time with them.
Then they go on to add the phrase that worries me—"And (s)he says I'm her best friend too, and (s)he just wants to play with me." This is where I get concerned, thinking that the parent-child relationship should be distinctly separate from being best friends, in several key aspects.
The first differentiation is that parental love is unconditional and unwavering, even when children are at their most annoying worst. Parents may express disapproval of behavior or set limits, but their love is a constant.
Further, thinking of oneself as a child’s best friend makes it harder to move from friend role to limit-setter role.
Unconditional love also makes parents unsuitable to take on the role of best friend, because friends have the role of helping children modify or drop behaviors that are unattractive, unpleasant, or unfriendly.
Moms can't say "I won't be your Mom anymore," but there is definite food for thought and motivation to change when another child says, "I won't be your friend."
Understanding that their behavior affects the responses of others is one reason why children need peers who help them experience cause and effect, often bluntly. There is absolutely no substitute for the up-close-and-personal interaction of young children in learning how to be a friend, best or otherwise.
Moms just can't supply the dose of reality needed for children to move from being egocentric little critters to developing skills for communicating and cooperating with other kids.
Moms as best friends won't prepare their children for the real world that is not so accepting. Learning to be a friend is hard work for preschoolers, and can't be done with Mom's unconditional acceptance.
Another reason to move away from the thinking of parent-child best friendships is that both kids and parents need lives that are distinctly separate from the other, in order for both adult and child to function well.
Studies show that parents can be far more effective in their parenting roles when they derive satisfaction in other parts of their lives as well as parenting, whether that is a relationship with a spouse, time with adult friends and interests, and/or satisfying work. Renewing oneself away from children is a way to be the best mom you can be, rather than your child's best friend.
Similarly, children develop healthy self-esteem when they learn that they can function well with others, not just with their parents.
Among the gifts that parents can give their children is to give them the opportunity to discover that they can function well without the parent's constant presence and support.
So, best friend? No. Best parent? Absolutely!
© Growing Child 2012 www.GrowingChild.com
